Prince Andrew's new shock-jock podcast

An announcement today from the beleaguered Prince Andrew in that he will host a tell-all podcast called 'Stripped' where he will bear all in regard to his troubled history. He will be referred to in the podcast as Andy Windsor and will adopt a posh, shock-jock style.

'Yah, I'm really going to go there,' he said in a video announcement. 'I'm going to blow the lid of all the scandals that have been falsely pinned on me; we'll discuss all the things that keep us up at night, like the deep state and chem trails, and we'll all have some fun with our guests along the way.'

Initial guests are said to include Sarah Ferguson, Prince Harry, Bill Clinton, David Icke, Lee Anderson, Russell Brand and Joe Rogan. Those who have heard the first excerpts say that it is explosive and could rock the Royal Family forever. Subjects discussed were fork and spoon placement gaffes, sweat, Andy's 'Randy List' of women that interest him, the deep Royal state, and an Andrew versus Charles wrestling simulation (Andrew wins by submission).

The first episode will come out before Christmas, and the series will be sponsored by Pizza Express.

Image credit: Titanic Belfast, CC BY 2.0 <https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0>, via Wikimedia Commons. Text added.

Jess Phillips should resign, just because

Our in house artist has provided this image of Postman Pat's cat and a crosshead screwdriver.

Recent calls for the resignation of Jess Phillips have drowned out past calls for her resignation and a general sense of déjà vu. It's not so much that she needs sacking, it's just that her being a Minister is so damn weird.

Said one voter,  'Do we need a reason to get rid of her? Oh, okay. How about -  because she is a hypocritical performative narcissist. No? You want more? How about - she is incompetent and traitorous. Er, you still want more? Um...well...she cheats at Monopoly. Actually, that last one may be a fib.'

No.10 explained their strategy. 'If we sack her now, then we'll have nothing to look forward to later.'

Picture credit: perchance.org / deskpilot

Insomniacs looking forward to another hour awake in bed

With Daylight Saving Time coming to an end on Saturday, insomniacs up and down the country are looking forward to another hour lying awake in bed staring at the ceiling.

'I count sheep,' said Dave, a lifelong insomniac.  'I average about one sheep a second and in a normal night I count a flock of thirty-two thousand, four-hundred sheep.  When the clocks go back, the flock swells to thirty-six thousand sheep,' he said.  'When I get up, I imagine letting the flock escape to new pastures,' he added.

'I count illegal immigrants,' said Ralph, a Reform councillor, admitting that he counts one a second as well.  'I don't waste them like Dave,' he said, 'I add them to the Reform illegal immigrant watch list used in all our publicity.  That's how we claim nearly twelve million illegals arriving by boat each year,' he added.

Dave rubbed his eyes at Ralph's claims, not believing that his shared trauma could be used to weaponise their shared affliction.  'You imagine immigrants and use the results to falsify your claims?' he asked.  'I don't know how you sleep at night,' he said.

Image credit: perchance.org