Man terrified of dying doing something he hates

John Knotley is of a certain age where funerals among his peers are arising more often than weddings. For at least two friends the overriding sentiment has been ‘at least they died doing what they loved’, where one was killed in a rock climbing fall, and another dropped dead on the golf course.

John Is determined to avoid a terminal interruption to his existence while he is engaged in an activity he loathes. 'Although I wouldn’t be around to hear it, how awful for friends and relatives to be saying, ‘Oh what a shame he couldn’t have been in his favourite armchair watching The Repair Shop.’ Instead, I’ve keeled over pulling sodding weeds from that sodding garden.'

John has taken some measures to alleviate the possibility of such a disaster occurring, including installing a defibrillator on the outside of the garden shed. He also has a very long extending lead when out walking the dog. 'My daughter’s. She lives in a flat now, so I’m lumbered with walking the thing. So I do a few yards and leave the mutt to do the rest. Bloody tragedy if I popped my clogs doing that.'

When asked what his ultimate demise might be, John told us, 'Unlikely, but if those tributes could sound something like, ‘At least John died doing what he loved, although it must have been a terrible shock for Taylor Swift.’ '

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EastEnders - the opera

The English National Opera's flagship show for 2025 will be 'EastEnders - The Opera'.

The ENO is responding to criticism that opera is too poncey, and isn't accessible to red wall voters. The new show will be sung in English, or a version of it. 'It will be just as screechy as traditional operas, but 'Stenders fans know to expect that,' said a spokesman. 'It's not dumbing down, it's being more relatable.'

'We hope that this exciting and innovative new show will attract a new generation of opera goers. The storyline will include drinks, drugs, affairs, gays, violence, death, incest and necrophilia - just like traditional opera.'

The performance will also include more audience participation (oh yes it will).   Traditionalists will need to steel themselves for rowdy singalongs and possibly for a spot of fighting in the stalls.   Audiences will be reminded to show their appreciation at the end by throwing flowers and not bottles.

The ENO hopes that the show can pave the way to restoring its arts council funding, which was slashed in 2023, as the new show will be even more expensive than a traditional opera. Leading singers from overseas will require dialogue coaches and Albert Square will be recreated on stage down to the finest detail. The famous cockney Dick Van Dyke will take a cameo role in some performances.

Regional arts bodies have criticised the plan.  They say that performances in cockney will be just as impenetrable as Italian, German or French to audiences outside Italy, Germany and France.  They argue that art council funding should support operas in Scouse, Cornish, Geordie and Brummie instead.

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Chaos! Cancelled flights leave passengers stuck in airports with British holidaymakers

Flights have been cancelled across Southern Europe as aviation staff undertake industrial action. That has meant continental Europeans being forced to share seating areas, toilets, and feelings of impatience with angry and sometimes sober British holidaymakers.

'Usually we only see them as we pass the terminal Wetherspoons,' said one Parisian en route to Prague to view a church ceiling. 'But this time we had to share contiguous spaces in real time.'

'Our children were crying,' reported a Latvian taking his family on a wild seed hunt in far-flung fjords. 'We have watched documentaries about British holidaymakers, but never thought we’d be forced to breathe the same bathroom air.'

It is understood that airlines usually allocate their oldest flying stock to ferry the animal-like Brits from Luton to Alicante, but the strikes have led to last-minute changes in logistical operations and the possibility of people from Huddersfield occupying planes unlikely to crash.

'If I’d known we would have been surrounded by people from the United Kingdom, I’d have taken out extra insurance,' said a cultured eye-glass polisher from Strasbourg worried that the strikes would render him late for a penny-farthing and Greek lantern exhibition in the Bay of Haribonesia.

Without tannoy instructions to board planes, Brits were seen shedding clothes and helplessly urinating where they stood. Meanwhile, males among the island tribe broke out into time-killing fights while others frustrated at the lengthy waits, and were seen demanding their human rights, free chips, and wireless lager.

Picture credit: Wix AI