'Our boy took one Hell of a beating' said Tiddles, captain of the Feline Wanderers, 'but it's a game of two halves innit and after givin' it 110%, the lad done good in the end so - result!'
'Our team might only be a team of footballers cats rather than footballers WAGS, but at least we don't waste our time, energy & millions of pounds in legal fees on catfights.'
As the WagathaChristie case comes towards an end, Tabloid sub-editors are already hoping for further pun-fest celebrity libel trials with a detective element to them and here at Newsbiscuit we can exclusively reveal the front runners:
#ColUmbro - Coleen Rooney is in the courtroom again, this time taking the mid-range sportswear manufacturer Umbro to court for allegedly producing cheap polyester-blend footy shirts that gave Wayne excessive nipple rub during his time playing for England. Evidence to be produced by Colleen in the witness box is thought to include 3 empty king-size jars of Vaseline
#LynamofDuty - Des Lynam is called back in to the BBC to face an AC-12 Ted Hastings style enquiry about historical anomalies in his expense claims during the Barcelona 1992 Olympics, thought to relate to a bowl of Patatas Bravas and a couple of pints of Cruzcampo shared with Barry Davies on Las Ramblas.
#CherLochHomes - Cher faces the witness box after becoming tied up in a Ponzi-scheme housebuilding scam. The Witches of Eastwick and Mamma Mia 2 star is found to have encouraged investors to part with over £2 million, supposedly to fund a holiday home development on the edge of Loch Lomond. If She Could Turn Back Time...
#PiqueBlinders - Gerard Pique, the gifted Barcelona FC Centre Back, has to do some defending of a different kind, after being accused of being the ringleader of a global venetian blind smuggling network. Using the famous Balkan Route through Afghanistan and Turkey into Europe, Pique is said to be responsible for nearly 80% of illegal blind imports, using county lines to tightly control supply of venetians, romans and those fancy shutters that everyone has nowadays.
#DefInParadise - there is Hysteria in the courtroom as Def Leppard appear in the witness box, to deny allegations of wearing overly tight stonewashed jeans and a dark black T-Shirt in the 35 degree heat of Guadeloupe.
#Gerrard-Depp-Heard-Hugh - Steven Gerrard walks into the Johnny Depp-Amber Heard trial by accident and encounters Hugh Grant, who is....er, that's enough celebrity court detective-style hashtags thanks. Newsbiscuit Eds.
The Premiership confirmed: ‘Applying our fit and proper test, we will be transferring the ownership of Stanford Bridge to a group of Sith Lords and the cast of the Godfather. We’ve turned down a bid from Thanos as too similar to the Glazer’s takeover of Man Utd. And we dismissed a tentative offer from Xenomorph, called Frank.
‘As Roman Abramovich knows we’ve taken a strong line on banning anyone connected with war crimes and human rights’ abuse – unless, of course, they come from Saudi Arabia. That’s different. Now please, give it up, for the new chairman of Chelsea FC - Keyser Söze’
