Saudi homophobia sorted, Henderson to address dope use next

Footballer Jordan Henderson’s mission to tackle all the ills of humanity has moved on to the next project. Henderson moved from Liverpool to Saudi Arabia six months ago for football reasons and to educate the locals about same-sex relationships, and definitely not just for the reported £700,000 a week.

Amazing progress has been made in Saudi and so Jordan has decided to move for some different football reasons, and has joined Ajax of Amsterdam to campaign against widespread cannabis use in the city.

Despite having signed a long and lucrative contract with Ajax, Henderson is expected to move on very quickly, such is his influence on the local population. Speculating on his next move, Jordan’s representatives would not dismiss the possibility of him addressing anti-semitic views in Palestine, racism in Bulgarian football or accusations of Joey Barton’s sexism.

‘I think we can rule out Jordan moving to Scotland though,’ said the agency. ‘He may be an incredibly powerful advocate against almost all forms of prejudice but he’s never going to address their anti-English feelings’.

image from pixabay

Pub football team hit with massive pints deduction

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European $uper League win court case to become utter c$nts

The European Courts of Justice have ruled that the E$L can indulge in all forms of shithousery, even down to making the handball rule even more unintelligible. FIFA and UEFA had accused the ESL of undermining the integrity of football – which they said was their job.

A spokesman for the E$L – a Mr. S. Atan – admitted that it was all a ruse to spread misery, and despair, creating a purgatory where Spurs can never get relegated – but will still win nothing. ‘Primarily we want to destroy all joy in the game, so it was either this or go to watch Millwall.’

Asked just how evil the E$L can become, he said: ‘We’ll be setting fire to the Brazilian Rainforest, killing all the homeless and signing everyone up to spam emails - and that’s just for starters. Oh, we’ll also call it soccer as well.’

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