FIFA seeks sponsors for Christmas truce football game in Gaza

'Call us lovably innocent and child-like,' said a FIFA spokesman, 'but we really think that something wonderful will happen on Christmas morning in Gaza, with Hamas fighters and Israel Defense Force troops emerging from their trenches and striding across the rubble-strewn wastelands towards each other – hands outstretched - to swap seasonal good wishes and offer each other cigarettes.

'Furthermore, we fully expect a jolly game of football simultaneously to ensue, and we are now opening the bidding for sponsors for this sublimely heart-warming event.

'The 2023 Gaza Spontaneous Seasonal Soccer Game (TM) needs an official soft drink, an official beer, an official time-keeper, and an agreeable five-star hotel for FIFA executives to stay in - free of charge - throughout this unique and life-affirming event.

'We’ve been surprised to learn that some people doubt that the IDF and Hamas will spontaneously decide to kick footballs around with each other to celebrate the birth of Our Lord and Saviour, the Prince of Peace – on the basis that neither side are Christian, and they simply hate each other too much.

'All we can say is that in our experience, if you are a multi-national corporation and you are prepared to shovel very, very large amounts of cash in the direction of the things you want, you can generally buy quite a lot of wonderful surprises for yourself.

'So just send your usual, huge cheques to our usual bank account in Switzerland and seize the chance to be connected with an up-coming Christmas miracle in the Holy Lands which will be remembered by consumers forever!'

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Manchester City launch bid to relegate themselves

Facing numerous charges of breaking financial fair play rules, Manchester City have launched a bid to relegate themselves before the Football Association is forced to do it for them.

'We didn't want to make it obvious that we know we are guilty of hundreds of counts of financial breaches over ten years, so we started the season committed to playing less well,' said a Manchester City spokesman disguised as a money counting machine. 'Unfortunately, every other top football club in the Premiership has been so hopeless this year, that we've really had to lower our game. Following three draws in a row, we really had to push in all of the stops to lose to Aston Villa.

'Everton have made it really hard for us as well this season. Their financial misconduct has led to a deduction of ten points, so it's going to make it even harder to fight for the bottom spot. Chelsea are clearly giving it a good go as well.'

The counting machine continued, 'The marvellous FA is a beacon of light in what is a filthy sport. I'd aggressively kiss the FA badge if it were sewn on to my left nipple. They are so wonderfully corrupt, that they have been banned from all forms of activity relating to football. Fortunately, their core business has always been focused on exchanging giant brown envelopes of cash with shady operations like Sky Sports and oppressing women, so they never really had anything to do with the beautiful game.

'Exploiting loyal fans by making them pay a ton for genuine replica shirts, charging children a fistful of monkeys to be match mascots, and ticket prices so ridiculous there isn't a slang word for that amount, do not breach financial fair play rules according to the FA. Accepting billions in dirty sportswashing money from murderous regimes and oligarchs, however, is not only considered perfectly acceptable, it is strongly encouraged and can get you promoted. So our primary goal will be to just carry on doing lots of all that, whatever happens. The kicking a football around bit is really just a sideshow to keep the fans quiet.'

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£6.7bn bid to screen all VAR mistakes

The Premier League is in negotiation to sell the largest catalogue of cockups in the history of Candid Camera. This VAR deal will guarantee SKY viewers 24/7 coverage of every refereeing mistake, with in-depth blunder analysis and wide-screen dumb-f$ckery.

One delighted viewer said: ‘We want to see elite incompetents, wrecking games in a manner that defies belief. The fans want top-tier gaffes and world-class blunders. We need managers whose forehead veins look fit to burst.’

The BBC is yet to agree to a highlights package of woeful decisions, saying they already had that covered with the Covid Inquiry.

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