Sexed-down dossier on Russian infiltration of British high streets declassified by UK government

In a pitiful bid to deflect media interest away from woeful governance in Britain, top secret files have been released which point to naughty Cold War tactics by Russia.

An unspecified Foreign Secretary camouflaged very well said without hardly doing any arm zinger movements, 'The Russians were active on Great British high streets during the 1980s and '90s, right under our noses.

'Millions of young children were influenced into Communist thinking through being bought playthings in a consumerist frenzy from the retailer Toys "R" Us. Our top codebreakers have cracked the secret code, and spotted that the R and Us spell 'Rus' which is short for Russia. They even put the R backwards, so we're in no doubt.

'Happily, pushback on Russia was strong from us plucky Brits. As you can see in the dossier papers which are definitely not just made up yesterday at about teatime, the 'U-Like' bit of Spud-U-Like is an anagram of UK lie.'

Hat tip to modelmaker

Moscow Spasskaya Tower St Basil'S - Free photo on Pixabay

Raab says Afghan refugee talks in Ibiza are ‘not another holiday’

Dominic Raab has denied that his current trip to discuss the Afghan refugee crisis is in fact a disguised holiday.

The Foreign Secretary was spotted downing pints and acting raucously at the airport before his flight to Qatar. He was wearing shorts, a t-shirt, flip-flops, a straw hat and sunglasses. It is said he only packed one suit for the entire trip.

Mr Raab told reporters that his kite surfing trip after meeting the Qatari government was “an importance piece of diplomacy”, but he couldn’t explain why it was.

The itinerary for the trip will see Mr Raab visit other major governments in the region which have “great beaches and/or hotels”, but it now emerges it also includes visits to the Bahamas, Ibiza, Amsterdam and other top holiday hot spots.

'I need to understand the role the night clubs in Ibiza, the beaches in the Bahamas and the cannabis cafés in Amsterdam can play in all this,' Mr Raab said. 'The fact Michael Gove is joining me in Ibiza doesn’t make it a "lad’s weekend away" at all and it is not to make up for cutting my other holiday short. It is a tough job but somebody has to do it.

'Now if you will excuse me as I am running late for my massage.'

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Man who closed the sea defends Dominic Raab

'You're all being very unfair to Mr Raab,' said the man who declared the sea closed last week.

'I could see the sea was full already, with fish, water and stuff - lots of plastic stuff, and poo - lots of poo - have you ever seen a fish get out to go? Or a holidaymaker come to that? I decided that unless the fish got out, Raab couldn't go in. He was very disappointed, said something about phone calls to make, had a waterproof mobile phone, and needing to get a bit of paddle-boarding in, but I said no. There's a lovely ocean over there if you likes, Mr Raab, I said. It's a bit full of water too, lots of plastic and quite a bit of poo, but not as many fish thanks to the plastic and the poo.'

The man admitted that he did take some sympathy with the Foreign Secretary. 'I said he could take a widdle if he liked, but no bloody paddle boarding.'

Image by Isa KARAKUS from Pixabay