Updated: Apr 1
Footballer Marcus Rashford has allegedly revealed to friends that he’s no longer sure if he had a Zoom meeting with Gavin Williamson or Dominic Raab.
A spokesperson for the England international said ‘It’s pretty weird that guaranteeing poor kids have enough food to eat is such a long conversation. The problem is Marcus can’t remember which white middle-aged Dickensian villain masquerading as a cabinet minister, that he spoke to.’
Political commentator Marianne Morrison attempted to solve the conundrum, saying: ‘It probably wasn’t Raab, he doesn’t really do phone calls. The talent vacuum that is Gavin Williamson? His energy is ex-TA and constantly going on about it. Williamson becoming Secretary of State for Education gives hope to all the divorced dads out there, desperately trying to impress the children of their new, younger partner. There’s a limited number of times that making your thumb disappear is going to cut it, best get that tarantula back in the game.’
Meanwhile, a spokesperson for the embattled Education Secretary confirmed that all ‘bleeding heart liberals’ looked the same to him. ‘Besides, football, rugby, what’s the difference? Neither is cricket, correct?’
The awkwardness of the moment was not dispelled when Williamson also claimed that Gandalf and Dumbledore were one and the same, while Jedward was only one guy. He went on to say over-weight women were just pregnant and that Samuel L Jackson was in The Matrix. The aide explained: ‘The important thing is that all starving school children look the same to Mr Williamson – expendable’. Hat tip Wrenfoe
The Education Secretary has demanded that Latin be taught in all schools to describe all carnal acts and order from the wine menu. Coitus and cunnilingus will make a return to the curriculum, although for Eton they never left the entrance exam.
An Education spokesman explained: 'It's vitally important that school children learn the correct terminology for the sexual acts Ministers will one day be paying them to do. No matter how depraved, the Romans and Bullingdon club have a name for it'.
The three 'R's' will be replaced with their Latin equivalents - Reach Arounds, Rimming and Rhinoceros f$cking. Mr. Williamson insisted that traditional Romans vocab would break down social barriers and spice up the bedroom. His spokesman said: 'Veni, vidi, vici translated from the Latin means 'premature ejaculation'.'