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Tories accuse Labour of stealing its "destroy the country" policy


Senior Conservatives have accused Labour of taking it's "destroy the country" policy and claiming it as their own.


Sir Gavin Williamson led the charge. 'Destroying the country is our brand, it's what we do. So it's a bit rich for Labour to announce they're also going to have a go. Personally, I have worked very hard cocking up defence and education and you won't believe what I had to try and unsee in exchange for my knighthood. When I close my eyes, I can still see it. I don't think anyone from Labour would go that far.'


Chris Grayling was due to speak but due to an "incident" with a revolving door, didn't arrive at the press briefing.


Sir Gavin went on to propose replacing lorries with pogo sticks.




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First published 6 Jul 2022


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Gavin Williamson's resignation letter in full




Dear Fag


Please accept my hearty congratulations on finding a bigger bully than I am to convince me to resign from my position in the government. I will, of course, step down, being the bigger and better man.


Just two queries:


  1. Can you ask the bugger for my trousers back, please?

  2. Can I claim the operation to remove the pencil sharpener from my anus on expenses?

It certainly has been a jolly wheeze watching you run about polishing my shoes and doing my homework etc., but now I feel it is time for me to give someone else the benefit of my significant skills. Black Arts Master at Gordonstoun, perhaps? TTFN Gavin "I'm Even More Of A Celebrity" Williamson


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