NHS surgeon fails to remove malignant tumour from Downing St

An NHS spokesman admitted today that treatment to remove an unsightly and embarrassing growth in Downing Street had been unsuccessful.

"This swelling is an unusual condition. It shares characteristics with a useless organ with no discernable purpose, such as an appendix, as well as a tumour which blocks and obstructs the proper function of all other tissues. In spite of the many problems associated with it, the patient, a Mr. U. Kaye, does not experience direct discomfort. Indeed, the growth itself appears to be completely devoid of all feeling.

"Overall, the body will continue to experience many adverse symptoms until the useless lump of gristle is removed. These include headaches, raging inflation, unsteadiness of economy, and an exaggerated allergic reaction to all foreign bodies.

"The primary discomfort for the patient stems from the location of the tumour. Unfortunately it is likely to remain a complete pain in the arse for the foreseeable future."

Image: sasint | Pixabay

Shy Secretary of State for Incontinence relieves himself from the cabinet

A slew of government advisers and people in senior positions can't take any more of the poop from Pig Dog, resigning in their droves. Here are the latest rats to announce they are leaving the sinking ship Johnson:

Head of the Royal Mail abandons post

Met Police chief quits to seek other copportunities

Jacob Rees-Mogg resigns to spend more time with his Familiar.

Adviser who hasn't been for a piddle all day finally goes

Engineer who designed Downing Street revolving door exits in a roundabout way

Statistics adviser says it's not working out

Holidays minister vacates

Knight in shining armour falls on his sword

Transport secretary leaves platform

Hearing impaired assistant re-signs

Cricket umpire says he's out

Chess coach resigns

Minister for Never Giving Up quits

Soft furnishings consultant quilts

Pun adviser quips

Head of boxing counts himself out

Sally Gunnell's husband does a runner

Prisons minister makes a break for it

Secretary of State for Sandy Places deserts

Liz Truss exits... in... disgrace

Dilyn the dog leaves his post

Number 10 letterbox is out of the door

Coach driver says he was thrown under the bus

Constipation consultant says he can't do the job any more

Digestive system guru evacuates circle of trust

Sex adviser withdraws from the position

Dominatrix walks out on him

And the Prime Minister's wife leaves for pastures new.

Chris Grayling has already shipped himself out. But Eric Pickles doesn't leave his roll.

Image: Pixabay/stevepb

Wanted: Ethics Advisor, must have GSOH

'How many ethics advisors does it take to change Boris Johnson? Only one, but Boris Johnson has to really wanna change.'

As if being Boris Johnson's ethics advisor wasn't enough of a joke, a good sense of humour (but not necessarily a good sense of right and wrong) could form part of the formal job description. Employment opportunities for the ever-growing list of former ethics advisors include Keir Starmer's charisma consultant, Prince Andrew's diary manager and Elon Musk's hair strategist.

Being asked about a 'deliberate and purposeful breach of the Ministerial Code' was the final straw for the latest sucker. Johnson allegedly muttered about having 'done a lot worse' and the old mnemonic 'Divorced, beheaded, died, divorced, beheaded, survived.' His mood was later lifted by the realisation he could get blotto at yet another leaving do.