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    • Walter Eagle
      • Jun 21
      • 1 min read

    NHS surgeon fails to remove malignant tumour from Downing St



    An NHS spokesman admitted today that treatment to remove an unsightly and embarrassing growth in Downing Street had been unsuccessful.


    "This swelling is an unusual condition. It shares characteristics with a useless organ with no discernable purpose, such as an appendix, as well as a tumour which blocks and obstructs the proper function of all other tissues. In spite of the many problems associated with it, the patient, a Mr. U. Kaye, does not experience direct discomfort. Indeed, the growth itself appears to be completely devoid of all feeling.


    "Overall, the body will continue to experience many adverse symptoms until the useless lump of gristle is removed. These include headaches, raging inflation, unsteadiness of economy, and an exaggerated allergic reaction to all foreign bodies.


    "The primary discomfort for the patient stems from the location of the tumour. Unfortunately it is likely to remain a complete pain in the arse for the foreseeable future."


    Image: sasint | Pixabay

    • News in Brief
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    • Politics
    707 views0 comments
    • Steveb
      • Jun 18
      • 1 min read

    Shy Secretary of State for Incontinence relieves himself from the cabinet




    A slew of government advisers and people in senior positions can't take any more of the poop from Pig Dog, resigning in their droves. Here are the latest rats to announce they are leaving the sinking ship Johnson:


    Head of the Royal Mail abandons post

    Met Police chief quits to seek other copportunities

    Jacob Rees-Mogg resigns to spend more time with his Familiar.

    Adviser who hasn't been for a piddle all day finally goes

    Engineer who designed Downing Street revolving door exits in a roundabout way

    Statistics adviser says it's not working out

    Holidays minister vacates

    Knight in shining armour falls on his sword

    Transport secretary leaves platform

    Hearing impaired assistant re-signs

    Cricket umpire says he's out

    Chess coach resigns

    Minister for Never Giving Up quits

    Soft furnishings consultant quilts

    Pun adviser quips

    Head of boxing counts himself out

    Sally Gunnell's husband does a runner

    Prisons minister makes a break for it

    Secretary of State for Sandy Places deserts

    Liz Truss exits... in... disgrace

    Dilyn the dog leaves his post

    Number 10 letterbox is out of the door

    Coach driver says he was thrown under the bus

    Constipation consultant says he can't do the job any more

    Digestive system guru evacuates circle of trust

    Sex adviser withdraws from the position

    Dominatrix walks out on him

    And the Prime Minister's wife leaves for pastures new.


    Chris Grayling has already shipped himself out. But Eric Pickles doesn't leave his roll.


    Image: Pixabay/stevepb

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    • stewartbarclay
      • Jun 17
      • 1 min read

    Wanted: Ethics Advisor, must have GSOH




    'How many ethics advisors does it take to change Boris Johnson? Only one, but Boris Johnson has to really wanna change.'


    As if being Boris Johnson's ethics advisor wasn't enough of a joke, a good sense of humour (but not necessarily a good sense of right and wrong) could form part of the formal job description. Employment opportunities for the ever-growing list of former ethics advisors include Keir Starmer's charisma consultant, Prince Andrew's diary manager and Elon Musk's hair strategist.


    Being asked about a 'deliberate and purposeful breach of the Ministerial Code' was the final straw for the latest sucker. Johnson allegedly muttered about having 'done a lot worse' and the old mnemonic 'Divorced, beheaded, died, divorced, beheaded, survived.' His mood was later lifted by the realisation he could get blotto at yet another leaving do.

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