Johnson’s letter of no confidence in whoever his successor is

Boris Johnson is apparently spending his last moments in power swigging from a half empty bottle of champagne, putting whoopee cushions all over 10 Downing Street, hiding bits of uncooked fish behind radiators and taking a shit in a cupboard. He has also written a letter of no confidence in whoever his successor is to give to Graham Brady as soon as the “winner” is announced.

Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst said ‘The letter does have a few wine glass stains and some of last night’s lamb bhuna on it. All Boris needs is the name of the person he doesn’t have confidence in so he can scrawl it in crayon. Soon there'll be another leadership election and – I’m quoting him directly here – he can “reclaim the reigns of the chariot of power, in this, the new Jerusalem. What ho!”.’

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Sir Graham Brady seeks internet advice about his phone

The word on the street is that the Chair of the 1922 Committee has spent much of the day on the Internet trying to find out how to stop his phone beeping every time a Tory MP emails to tell him they have no confidence in the PM.

His secretary attempted trying to turn notification sounds off, but unfortunately ended up changing the notification sound to Boris Bop and somehow turning the volume up to full. Neither of them know how this happened, or how to reset the phone without him losing all his contacts. Apple has offered to assist, but they're asking for more than the national debt to do it.

Every text comes with several more, asking if he'd received the original, and inbetween this, the phone is continually ringing with calls from the whips, demanding to know how close Sir Graham is to the 54 letters.

We called Graham Brady to check on the veracity of this story and get a comment from him, but regret we are unable to publish his comment due to legal obscenity restrictions.

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Deranged Tory whip holds MP's family hostage

Frothing heavily at the mouth and staring wild-eyed around the room, a deranged Conservative whip today threatened a wavering backbencher that he had better not call for the Prime Minister’s resignation if he hopes to see his family alive and well again.

“I’m holding your family in a secure location whose whereabouts are known only to me. If you know what’s good for you, you won’t write to Graham Brady,” raged the whip, as he suffocated the poor MP in a variation of the sleeper hold. “You think you’re suffering now, but just you wait. Dare to undermine the PM and I’ll introduce you and your loved ones to a whole new world of pain.”

Spreading out a smorgasbord of arcane weaponry on his parliamentary office desk, the enforcer reminded the junior politician of his responsibilities as a representative of the Conservative Party, which apparently consist entirely of kowtowing to Boris no matter how reprehensible his behaviour.

“You want your kids to see the light of day again, I presume?” he pondered, lovingly handling a 16th century iron mace. “Then there shall be no contact with the 1922 committee, no self-serving statements on Twitter, no oblique references to despots in parliament, and definitely no interviews with Radio 4.”

The sophisticated whipping operation in the House of Commons is now so extensive that Number 10 has surveillance on all backbenchers’ homes and tracking chips installed in their entire family’s necks, the MP was informed.

On being shown a picture of a hired goon lurking outside his front door, the MP quickly agreed that his concerns about Mr Johnson’s behaviour were overblown.

“Hell hath no fury like a Prime Minister scorned,” chuckled Boris Johnson, cracking his knuckles.

“This isn’t blackmail or coercion,” denied the whip’s office. “It’s far, far worse than that.”

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