Raab says Afghan refugee talks in Ibiza are ‘not another holiday’

Dominic Raab has denied that his current trip to discuss the Afghan refugee crisis is in fact a disguised holiday.

The Foreign Secretary was spotted downing pints and acting raucously at the airport before his flight to Qatar. He was wearing shorts, a t-shirt, flip-flops, a straw hat and sunglasses. It is said he only packed one suit for the entire trip.

Mr Raab told reporters that his kite surfing trip after meeting the Qatari government was “an importance piece of diplomacy”, but he couldn’t explain why it was.

The itinerary for the trip will see Mr Raab visit other major governments in the region which have “great beaches and/or hotels”, but it now emerges it also includes visits to the Bahamas, Ibiza, Amsterdam and other top holiday hot spots.

'I need to understand the role the night clubs in Ibiza, the beaches in the Bahamas and the cannabis cafés in Amsterdam can play in all this,' Mr Raab said. 'The fact Michael Gove is joining me in Ibiza doesn’t make it a "lad’s weekend away" at all and it is not to make up for cutting my other holiday short. It is a tough job but somebody has to do it.

'Now if you will excuse me as I am running late for my massage.'

photo: marucha @ Pixabay

UK travellers to be given advanced new 'coin toss' test for Covid

Holidaymakers returning to the UK are to be given a scientifically advanced 'coin toss' test to decide whether they should go into quarantine for Covid.

This follows the revelation that only one in twenty of the PCR tests that international travellers must take are properly checked using genome sequencing to uncover dangerous Covid variants.

“What this effectively means is that people have been paying an average of £75 each for a bloke in a lab to hold their sample up to the light and say ‘looks all right to me,’” said a spokesman for NHS Test and Trace.

“Our new system is cheaper, quicker and no less random. Upon disembarking, every passenger must queue up, pay £50 and then shuffle past a grumpy Border Force official who spins a coin and says: ‘heads: you’re clear’ or ‘tails: go into quarantine in a hotel and spend £2,000 you can’t afford.’

“It is scientifically proven,” said the spokesman, “because the science says beyond doubt that the coin will always come down on one side or another. It also means the government can keep the profits flowing to their chums in the private sector who wangled contracts to carry out Covid testing.”

It is thought the coin toss test was dreamt up on the spot by prime minister Boris Johnson during a cabinet meeting while ministers were playing ‘spin the bottle’ to decide who would be the next chief executive of the NHS.