Conservative Central Office has announced its Black Friday sales are now on, with government access, laws, Lordships and Boris Johnson all up for sale.
A Tory grandee spluttered: ‘Obviously Boris is depreciating, but we think he could still do a job in the private sector. Maybe as Telegraph columnist or a right-wing children’s clown? If you buy him you might get buyer’s remorse though – he’s still referring to it as Piccaninny Friday.’
Several Tory MPs were recently forced to leave their glamorous Winter Ball fundraiser to vote through a cap on social care that would ensure only poor people lose their homes. An unnamed Tory MP said ‘I love capping welfare spending, especially when it keeps the oiks in their place, but it’s rude to interrupt my schmoozing. I take my donations in Cayman Islands dollars. Cox has ruined the Virgins.’