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Government to open 1100 new hospital wards



Every hospital will site a new ward on unused roof space or in a car park. The 'outdoor ward' initiative will give patients the benefit of natural sunlight and fresh air.


'Outdoor wards are tremendous value for money,' said a junior minister with his fingers crossed behind his back. 'Much cheaper than one of Boris's imaginary new hospitals. We can offer extra beds really quickly - perfect for all the pissheads who injure themselves after a skinful. Normally, they'd take their chances sleeping it off in a park or a cemetery. Now they can sleep it off in an outdoor ward.'


The government has confirmed that the initiative will be paid for out of existing budgets. Hospitals confirmed 'business as usual then'.


The minister pointed at a car park. 'There's one.' then pointed at a neighbouring field, 'There's another one!'


Image: Newsbiscuit Archive

Is it a cold, superflu, or Covid?


Covid, flu and colds share many of the same symptoms, so telling them apart can be difficult. Here is our handy guide to what you’ve got:


  • You need a day off for Christmas shopping – it’s a cold

  • You need a week off for a break in the sun – it’s flu (unless you’ve already used that excuse, in which case it’s Covid)

  • You need to get out of drinks with the awful people up the street – it’s a cold (although if you tell them it’s herpes, then you might get out of next year's event as well)

  • You are Lando Norris – it’s all three, but you won the F1 championship anyway

  • You are the PM – it’s Covid, and it’s all the fault of the previous Tory government

  • You are Rachel Reeves – it’s none of these trivial illnesses. It’s probably the Black Death or psittacosis

  • You are Michael Jackson – it’s monkeypox

  • You are waiting in A&E – it’s all three, plus a bonus Hospital Acquired Infection

  • You are an England cricketer – it’s none of the above, unfortunately. Maybe do some more practice?



Image credit: deep dream generator

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