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Snivelling guttersnipe, Roland Rat-alike and current Prime Minister, Rishi Sunak, will delight the Tory faithful today, with a promise of re-introducing Wise Women to the NHS.
'Hospitals and GPs are very expensive,' Sunak will tell party faithful in a speech later today. 'The Conservative Party will shake up the NHS, by putting a shrivelled old crone in a hovel, in every village, in every part of the country.'
'Their knowledge of the flora and fauna of the countryside will be more than enough to treat almost all common ailments. This will lead to a reduction in waiting lists and far fewer people needing hospital treatment, but requiring more undertakers. Hospitals will be freed up to treat diseases of affluence, including gout, alcoholism and proper diabetes.'
Labour Leader, Sir Keir Starmer, has ridiculed the policy, saying that there aren't enough affordable hovels, or trained Wise Women, and that Britain will have to source them from overseas; places like the Isle of Wight, The Farne Islands and islands in boating lakes in Britain's larger parks.'
Image: Newsbiscuit
King Charles was today taken to hospital to have one-time journalist Nicholas Witchell's head removed from his rectum.
The Palace was keen to stress this was not an emergency, merely dealing with a problem the King's physicians have been aware of for some years.
A ginger growth in the royal passage was first detected in 1998, when Witchell gave up journalism to become the BBC's Royal Correspondent. Later scans showed a strip of red so long it was initially mistaken for a red carpet, but turned out to be Witchell's tongue.
Witchell's editors at the BBC say this casts his claim to have been privy to "backstairs gossip" in an entirely new light.
Physicians say the King should be much more comfortable after the operation, though he might find the BBC's coverage isn't so fawning and uncritical any more, to which he replied "Oh God, really? Any chance we could put it back?"
image from pixabay
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