Following new official guidance that any First Aid kit in a sealable box can be defined as a “hospital”, executives at Superdrug, Boots and other high street pharmacies have belatedly realised that they have been selling hospitals all along.
‘Our value range first aid kits are fairly basic’, a spokesman said, ‘but it turns out that two triangular bandages, some savlon and a packet of sticking plasters is actually categorised as a 400 bed hospital. Who knew?’
Sarah is a volunteer with St John Ambulance Brigade. She spends her weekends at football matches and village fetes. ‘It was a complete surprise to discover that our hut is now one of the Government’s 40 new hospitals. I’m quite proud actually’.
Ministers have reacted angrily to claims that Boris Johnson lied about the 40 new hospitals. Anger is what they have instead of shame.
Conservative MP Geoffrey Buffington-Buffington Smythe told NewsBiscuit: ‘This government is delivering. We’ve delivered 40 new hospitals, we’ve delivered Brexit, we’ve delivered massive cheques to . . . sorry, not that . . . we’ve delivered, erm, 40 new hospitals and a scout hut. Sorry, 40 new hospitals including a scout hut’.
Boris Johnson was unavailable for comment as he’s abroad. Or with a broad, the writing isn’t very clear. Either way, he isn’t where he should be. And nor are the 40 hospitals we were promised.
First published 27 May 2023
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"For far too long," said a Labour party spokes-shrink, wielding a straight jacket in one hand and a sedative in the other, "British society has been starved of places where our most recalcitrant critics can be locked away to get the long-term psychiatric care they deserve.
"Take the City traders who irrationally sold UK government bonds - simply because they were scared of losing a packet on them.
"Well, they're just asking for trouble doing that, aren't they? From now on, we'll be sending Treasury bureaucrats into the dealing rooms to certify all those selling off UK bonds to be paranoid schizophrenics. Then they'll be locked up in the shiny new mental health units we're building until they promise to buy every single bond we issue.
"And from now on, anyone making cheap gags about Rachel Reeves getting her education at the London Infant School of Economics can expect two years minimum of tender love and care from our specially-trained teams of Nurse Ratchetts, with no chance of parole.
"And that goes for members of the public who've been telling pollsters on the streets they won't vote Labour again.
"We as a government are desperately trying to get the economy growing and to stop making appalling blunders. The last thing we need is people asking out loud why we're so useless.
"You want to have go at us? Just try it, sunshine. See how many people can hear you ranting from inside a padded cell."
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