"For far too long," said a Labour party spokes-shrink, wielding a straight jacket in one hand and a sedative in the other, "British society has been starved of places where our most recalcitrant critics can be locked away to get the long-term psychiatric care they deserve.
"Take the City traders who irrationally sold UK government bonds - simply because they were scared of losing a packet on them.
"Well, they're just asking for trouble doing that, aren't they? From now on, we'll be sending Treasury bureaucrats into the dealing rooms to certify all those selling off UK bonds to be paranoid schizophrenics. Then they'll be locked up in the shiny new mental health units we're building until they promise to buy every single bond we issue.Â
"And from now on, anyone making cheap gags about Rachel Reeves getting her education at the London Infant School of Economics can expect two years minimum of tender love and care from our specially-trained teams of Nurse Ratchetts, with no chance of parole.
"And that goes for members of the public who've been telling pollsters on the streets they won't vote Labour again.
"We as a government are desperately trying to get the economy growing and to stop making appalling blunders. The last thing we need is people asking out loud why we're so useless.
"You want to have go at us? Just try it, sunshine. See how many people can hear you ranting from inside a padded cell."Â
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