Roman opposition to HS2 found in Stoke Mandeville

Researchers have found Roman artefacts in Stoke Mandeville that suggests the Holy Roman Empire was vigorously opposed to the HS2 Project. Stone carvings with ' HS duo vade in domum tuam' chiselled out alongside 'Non In Mi Tincidunt'.

'It appears the NIMT culture, the Roman predecessor to the NIMBY movement, was very much well defined in AD 220,' said an archaeologist, explaining that objections to public baths in certain areas often met with opposition, with 'quatio tua publicis balneis tuum asinum' being a common refrain from Romans living in Britain at the time.

The contractors building the rail network originally expected to link London with the North West and North East of England, now fifteen times over budget and expected to terminate at Weston Turville, said that they would give the representations equal standing to more contemporaneous objections . 'We'll ignore them, just as the Romans would do. When in Rome...' he added.

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Thomas the Tank Engine: 'Scrap HS2 white elephant madness now'

The nation's favourite tank engine, Thomas, has steamed into the HS2 controversy, slamming the proposed super railway scheme "a cash-guzzling preposterous government white elephant."

'Toot-toot,' said an incandescent Thomas. 'This shambles is possibly the stupidest thing I have ever heard of. The government can deny it all they like, but if you ask me, it reeks of another Grayling cock-up. I thought Boris had binned him.'

Meanwhile, model railway enthusiast and scary loner Nigel Protheroe is offering to create a gigantic model railway showpiece in HS2's place.

Wearing a pre-Beeching 1960s Stationmaster's hat, Mr Protheroe said: 'I can set up a quite spectacular layout for no more than twenty thousand pounds in mum's garden, which, believe me, will be just as much a practical benefit to our nation as HS2.

'Look, in the highly unlikely event that I should ever wish to get from London to Birmingham half an hour sooner, then all I would do is catch a train departing thirty minutes earlier. It really is that simple.'

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HS2 has 'no end in sight'? Surely some sort of platform would work?

The never-ending railway development, is set to last longer than re-runs of 'Friends'. Tracks continue to be laid for no other reason than they were there, a bit like Uni students at Fresher's Week.

An oversight by planners have seen the project overrun, literally, with tracks now covering three fifths of the Earth's surface. Confessed one contractor: 'We were supposed to terminate at Euston Station but instead we kept going. Currently we are somewhere near the Suez Canal and not one buffet cart in sight.

'At the other end, skipping Birmingham proved popular with our focus groups, but now we don't know where to stop. Wales is too wet and the Irish sea is...well, too wet.' Asked if she thought the project would be delayed further: 'The upside of a track that never ends, is there aren’t enough leaves to cover it’.