Budget has something for everyone, says Sunak

The chancellor was quick to defend his Spring budget today saying it had something for absolutely everyone.

'As always, most of the measures in my budget will benefit the richest most. But I haven't forgotten everyone else. The squeezed middle will be squeezed again, and the most needy in society - well they'll get something too - increased debt, minimal increases in benefits, and the biggest fall in living standards for a couple of generations'.

'And don't forget the annual conundrum I've gifted to the most vulnerable in society once again - how are they going to make ends meet?'.

Image: Pixabay/csamhamer

Tories: ‘Cost of living crisis not our fault, it's our Sistine Chapel'

One Tory MP who wished to remain anonymous, has spoken out about the cost of living crisis:

‘This wasn’t just thrown together you know. 12 years of avoidable mismanagement is actually quite hard work, but we've created a masterpiece! We absolutely could make people’s lives better but we simply don't want to.'

‘And how would ordinary people suffer for our entertainment otherwise? Remember David Cameron? Just reading about the anguish he helped cause was no longer enough to sexually arouse him – he had to see it for himself. Now 'going to the food bank' is rhyming slang in his house.’

‘Victorian level poverty is what these oiks - sorry, people - voted for and we should respect that by screwing them over and over and over again. What do they want – food and heating?'

'It makes you sick. More inexplicably legalised foie gras?’

Image: Pixabay/Tumisu

Lotto winner: I'll fill up the car and turn on the heating

Car loving lotto winner Micheal Trippet, 37 from Stoud, yesterday spoke of his joy at receiving £1.8m in prize money.

"It's amazing, it means my dream can come true. Cars are my passion and now I have enough money to fill the tank."

Mr Trippet owns a 2007 Vauxhall Astra but hasn't been able to drive it since the price of fuel was driven up when Russia's lunatic-in-chief went full Dr Strangelove.

"It's just been sat on the drive for weeks. I'll have to put some air in the tires."

Personal finance expert Derek Hawthorne estimates Mr Trippet will be able to afford three full tanks of the 1.6 litre Astra with his winnings, after tax.

But Mr Tripper's is sharing his winnings with his wife, Janice 35, and she also has spending plans.

"I'm going to put the heating on." She said with an infectious giggle. "I can't believe it. We've been wearing these sleeping bags around the house for a month. My mother says there's no point as we'll all be superheated by nuclear armageddon soon enough, but I just think, sod it, I'm going to treat myself and just splurge on British Gas. Or is it Russian gas?"

Mr and Mrs Trippet are already planning their first drive, to the local supermarket. "It'll be nice to get behind the wheel again. And with a bit of luck we'll have a bit of cash left over to treat ourselves to some food from the Spar, if they've got anything on the shelves we can afford."

Image: Pixabay/jackmac34