As NI Protocol talks become more acrimonious Johnson continues to deny the existence of Ireland

As talks over the Northern Ireland Protocol become ever more acrimonious, a source close to number ten claims that one fundamental problem is Boris Johnson's insistence that there is no such place as Ireland.

The source wishing to remain anonymous said: ‘Advisors tried to tell Boris that Ireland is a actually a real country, and that furthermore, Britain has no control over what it decides to do. Nevertheless he just will not accept it.’

‘How can a bunch of funny little potato-munching fellows with green suits, silly black hats, clogs and bright orange beards be in a position to tell the UK, by which of course I really mean England, what we can and can’t do,’ Mr Johnson is understood to have told one aide when shown a photograph of Ireland taken from the International Space Station.

It's understood the PM then suggested: ‘Anyway, that pic looks like some kind of photoshop job if you ask me. Everyone knows "dat da Oirish" are just a mythical race only existing in fairy tales or as the butt of racist jokes.

'What’s more, my old boss Mr Trump said the only real Irish person ever to have lived starred in a movie called The Quiet Man where he played a cowboy called John Wayne.’

Shamrocks Clover St Patrick'S Day - Free photo on Pixabay

Get more NewsBiscuit humour on Amazon

‘I didn’t shit myself, I sat in coffee’ claims Republican		Levelling up will ensure entire nation is underwater

Smoke alarms on Space Station triggered by alien bacon

Concerns have been raised that Astronauts may have been sneakily eating evidence of life from other planets, specifically turning ET into a bacon butty. The International Space Station (ISS) has claimed smoke detectors were set off by faulty batteries but were unable to explain the smell of crispy bacon and the discarded alien clothing.

Rumours exist that First Contact with an alien race was disrupted, when the ISS crew discovered that this new race shared 99% of their DNA with pigs. Commented one astronaut: ‘They came in peace but they were so goddamn tasty!’

Being stuck on a space station with months of powdered food creates a certain hunger, a hunger that soon took over, when the inhabitants of Porcus V raised their trotters in friendship. Explained another astronaut, wiping ketchup from his chin: ‘They were saying something about discovery and knowledge but all I heard was the sound of sizzling’.

Image: Pixabay/JCK5D