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Grant Shapps has a masterplan if Labour win the next election. And it might be needed, unless Keir Starmer finds a way to shoot himself in the foot and then the face, and then set his tie on fire, live at PMQs - a worryingly plausible scenario.
Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst explained 'Phase one sees Shapps use his photoshop skills to remove his pictorial links to other Tory politicians. Phase two sees him insert himself into Labour photos. Phase three is to photoshop himself into the Starmer cabinet so often, people just assume he's minister for shoelaces or something.'
'It's the political equivalent of John Terry being a full kit wanker in the 2012 Champions League final - whilst wearing a Bayern Munich kit on underneath just in case. It's hard to see what could very obviously go wrong.'
A Labour spokesperson noted ‘If Michael Green, Corinne Stockheath and Sebastian Fox all want jobs in the next Labour government, that’s fine. We’re not afraid of pinching Tory policies like pro-Brexit rhetoric and NHS privatisation, so we might as well snaffle a cabinet minister or two. Keir says it's fine as long as they’re not pro-Corbyn.’
The UK is heading into the longest recession on record because of Jeremy Corbyn, it can be revealed. Other malign effects of the man include soaring energy prices, rising immigration, high interest rates and there being nothing good to watch on TV.
“All makes sense when you put it like that”, said Reg, 54, a cretin from Hull. “I’ve never really thought much about the spacetime continuum, but everything was fine before Corbyn. Stands to reason, doesn’t it?”
“He might have a rapidly rotating black hole inside him”, a Conservative spokesman suggested. “Or maybe he’s a Time Lord. The details aren’t important. What matters is that Corbyn bends time and space in unusual ways. Interest rates, energy prices and immigration numbers are all affected by what we’re calling the Corbyn Chasm. Remember: a vote for Keir Starmer is a vote for a Dalek invasion. And they’re even worse than Albanians”.
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