Living rent free in someone’s head is the only rent you can afford

Explained one 20-something: ‘For a long time I was paying £1000 a month to a landlord with the ethics of a Moray eel. But then I decided to annoy an LBC Radio listener by becoming pansexual and I’ve been living rent free in his head ever since’.

One BLM activist remarked: ‘Since I pulled down a statue of a slaveowner last year, I’ve been living in the heads of most of the homeowners in Chelsea. It’s a massive upgrade from the squats I’m used to. And during the summer months, I spend my time living in a chateau with the Tory Peer who keeps thinking about how they would love to lock me up’.

A Mr. Jeremy Corbyn, of no fixed abode, admitted: ‘I’ve been living rent free in James O’Brien’s head for the last three years and the great thing is, its so spacious’.

Starmer homework eventually marked

Following the publication by the Fabian Society of Kier Starmer's missing homework, it has now been marked by his Modern Politics tutor in secondary school, Mr Birch. The essay, which was intended to be handed in in May 1977, was discovered in a satchel his mum had given to a charity shop a few months ago.

Mr Birch, who had Kier down as 'unlikely to go anywhere' has reviewed the essay and marked it as a C minus. 'Pretty good for Kier, I never gave anyone more than a C plus anyway,' said the retired teacher, who still sticks with his career forecast for Kier.

'The essay was about 'how I will make a difference, or at least make anybody notice me',' the teacher said, holding the Fabian pamphlet out at arm's length. 'This can be summarised to 'I'm not Boris and I'm not Jeremy', but he still hasn't said what he is. If I was still teaching I'd have him round and give him twenty lashes of the cane, just like in the good old days,' added Mr Birch.