Shelves shelved as man's DIY project no match for snooker

Luke Lyle should have put up some shelves over the bank holiday weekend, but became hypnotised by coverage of the World Snooker Championship.

'I only switched it on to check the latest scores. The next thing I knew it was Monday night, John Virgo was narrating my inner monologue and I was surrounded by take away containers, empty beer cans and a sense of melancholy at what might have been. Where is the cue ball going?'

Girlfriend Tara Taylor was disappointed but not surprised. 'Our relationship was as rocky as Judd Trump's long game at the start of the final. Oh my god, a snooker analogy? What have I become? I'm going to end things with Luke, go outside, get some daylight. Metaphorically, that set of unbuilt shelves is doing some heavy lifting.'

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/mastertux-470906/

British TV British Legally British Required to be British

The commie, pinko, Britain-hating BBC will now be legally required to produce ‘distinctively British’ programmes, like Only Fools and Horses and Fleabag, though, mysteriously, not like Luther and I May Destroy You. The BBC itself will rebrand as the Great British Broadcasting Corporation. Channel 4 will become the Great British Bake Off Broadcasting Corporation.

Every hour, all BBC channels will show the Queen, armed forces and fluttering Union Jacks, as Jerusalem, Rule Britannia and the national anthem play. The images will be intercut with a smiling, omniscient Boris Johnson looking statesmanlike, or at least having had a haircut.

New shows will include ‘Snowflake Melting with Jim Davidson and Laurence Fox’, a nightly hour-long show, with guests who self-identify as cancelled by the liberal elite. They will talk, on air, about how they never get on air because PC has gone mad. A tearful John Virgo will be forced to play snooker as Davidson makes increasingly dubious remarks about the differently coloured snooker balls.

Also new, a lavish 26-part documentary, adapted from Boris Johnson’s Churchill biography, with the royalties helping Johnson to pay for his next divorce.

BBC News 24 will rebrand as GB News, with presenters wearing poppies all year round. Those with regional accents or from ethnic minorities will be limited to local news and sport.

Gary Grimthwaite said ‘I’m English and I find these changes soothe my unfounded, borderline nonsensical fears. I mean Strictly Come Dancing is presented by two women. Women! What’s next, sharia law? I blame the Germans.’

Children’s TV looks set to be unaffected, as one parent noted ‘If you come for CBeebies, we will kill you and make it look like an accident.’