Starmer officially out of promises to break

Having gone full-Brexiteer, the Leader of the Opposition admitted he had broken more pledges than a crystal meth user on New Year's Eve. Having graduated from the Lance Armstrong School of Veracity, Sir Keir has a track record that would make The Great Gatsby blush. An aide confirmed: 'Life comes with no guarantees, unless of course, you are buying electrical goods. And even then you have to tick that little box'. Asked if he would commit to stop breaking promises, he said he could not promise anything. Meanwhile Sir Keir's wife was seen nervously checking her marriage vows for the small print.

Starmer had a curry, a pint and a car park straightener

Durham police have reopened an investigation into Keir Starmer because of a straightforward punch up in a car park rather than Covid regulations according to one eyewitness. Labour intern Jodie Johnstone said 'Keir insisted we follow all the Covid rules of the time in case he had to self-isolate for the hundredth time. Then someone said something about Angela Rayner's legs and he lost it. He shouted "Get my deputy's name out of your mouth" then they went outside and he walked over and slapped the guy.'

A spokesman for Starmer said 'This [curry, lager and a fight] is some relatable content from Starmzy, perfect for the proletariat. Could more of you vote Labour please. Oh sorry, am I boring you? Do you want some? I said do you fucking want some?'

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