A major milestone was reached yesterday as Annie Briggs from Stevenage became the first woman in history to reach adulthood without committing a single crime. She believes that growing up with a female lead in the only show on television was key to keeping her on the straight and narrow. 'I'm very proud to have achieved this milestone for women,' Briggs said at a special press conference, 'and I owe it all to Jodie Whittaker for playing Doctor Who on TV. Before that, we thought that the moral principles of a fictional time lord could only apply to men, so I might as well just go and kill someone, but now thanks to Jodie we know it's actually women they apply to exclusively.' The news provides a much needed positive boost as society continues to struggle with the sudden onslaught of roaming gangs of young men who, bereft of male role models on television, have taken to the streets looting, murdering and making ritual sacrifices to the Kray twins.
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Updated: Nov 23, 2021
Ethel Harbord from Peckham has been told by her doctor to take it easy for a few days. The pensioner will be staying at Sunnyview nursing home but is expecting to attend the WI cake sale later this month. She is reported to be in good spirits but “disappointed” that the planned visit to her daughter and son-in-law in Bognor cannot go ahead on Thursday.
One of Sunnyview’s longest residents, Ethel has attended a series of events in recent days including a front seat at the all-in wrestling and as a judge in East London’s annual whelk eating competition, where she was a past champion, as well as hosting the East End ladies’ Kray twins appreciation tea party on Monday afternoon. She had spent most of the week-end at the dog track as usual.
It was revealed earlier in the week that Ethel had declined Butlin’s glamorous grannie invitation saying, “Bugger off! I’m 95 you know”.
A spokesperson for Sunnyview said Ethel was reluctant to accept the medical advice but that they’d slipped something in her port and lemon that should keep the old battle axe quiet for a few days.
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