Boris whistled in admiration at "I watched porn by accident" claim

The Prime Minister has applauded Neil Parish for saying he'd "been watching porn by accident".

"Come on now", said Mr Johnson, "The balls of the man - even I wouldn't have the nerve to claim that; I'd have made up some story about picking up someone else's phone by mistake or doing spot checks on whether the House of Commons wifi blocks adult sites. But to say that he 'accidentally' typed 'big boob bonkers' into Google then spent 10 minutes staring at the resulting video takes real cajonies."

Mr Parish has been tipped for a new cabinet post of "Minister for Alternative Reality"

How to tell if dozens of people are having a party in your house

Are you concerned that people might be holding parties in your house without you knowing? Here are 10 tell tale signs to spot secret party nightmares:

1. Are there people arriving at your house dressed in sparkly jumpers, holding bottles of booze and asking about the "meeting"?

2. Do you bump into strangers on the stairs who insist on putting their arm around you and saying "I bloody love you."?

3. Does your wife say things like "I hope the party doesn't damage the new decorations."?

4. Are there photocopies of bottoms dotted around the room? Ones that you don't recognise as your own?

5. When you're upstairs, do you hear the occasional strains of "Hi Ho Silver Lining" coming from downstairs?

6. Is there a pile of coats in the spare room?

7. When you walk across the room, are there a lot of dancing people in the way?

8. Does some of your colleagues work look like it was written as part of a drinking game?

9. Do some people keep asking you annoying questions about a party?

10. Are you at a party right now?

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/bridgesward-6083077/

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Rescuers attempt to save Westminster man trapped by his own lies

A major operation was underway in Downing Street this morning. Emergency services rushed to the scene after receiving dozens of calls reporting a trapped man inside number ten.

The man is known to security services and has a long record of embellishing facts, stretching the truth and telling the most outrageous porkies. This includes tax hikes, claiming Jeremy Corbyn wanted to scrap Jeremy Corbyn and something about forty new hospitals.

The Head of Search and Rescue said it was a difficult operation, and his teams were working in incredibly challenging and dangerous conditions.

‘We believe the sheer weight of lies and falsehoods finally caught up with the man, and the rug was suddenly pulled from under his feet. The upper floor then collapsed under the weight of bullshit which brought everything down on top of him.

Our rescuers are keeping him warm by wrapping him in the rug, and I’m told they have every confidence he won’t run out of hot air anytime soon. The rapidly escalating situation is very much touch and go. We touch him and then we all want to go.'

Image: Pixabay/PublicDomainPictures

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