The Real Man’s Top 10 tips for using the bathroom

Do you want to show the woman in your life what a fantastic specimen of manhood you are? It’s not just about how you behave in the bedroom! Show the lady how lucky she is to be shacked up with you by following this guide to using the bathroom:

1. When cleaning your teeth, admire your reflection as you flick toothpaste all over the bathroom mirror.

2. When shaving, always leave the sink covered in stubble, like some poor imitation of the Shroud of Turin.

3. When showering, leave the shower curtain open, so the bathroom floor gets covered by 2 inches of water.

4. Ensure the plug hole is left blocked with arse hair.

5. When using the toilet, leave the door open. Women find the sound of a man grunting one out or pissing like a racehorse a big turn on.

6. Animals in the wild mark their territory with urine - do the same in your bathroom by spraying piss all around the rim of the toilet, and the surrounding floor. Don’t flush when you’ve finished, and leave the seat up.

7. Alternatively, don’t bother lifting the seat in the first place - just piss all over it, and sprinkle with pubes.

8. When taking a dump, a real man leaves skid marks all down the back of the toilet bowl. Only a wimp would think of using a toilet brush afterwards, other than as an implement to break up a mega-turd that won’t flush. Oh, and It’s a sign of masculinity to leave the bathroom as stinky as possible, so don’t open a window when you’ve finished.

9. Never replace an empty toilet roll - you are a man and have more important things to do, like belching the theme tune to Match of the Day, or setting light to your farts.

10. Communication is vital in a relationship, so don’t forget to describe your bowel movements to her afterwards. She’ll really appreciate you telling her last night’s curry has given you ring sting.

Image:Pixabay/Sammy-Sander

Isle of Wight man having mildest mid-life crisis on record

Barry Haynes, a 53-year-old tax accountant from Shanklin, Isle of Wight, is currently into the 28th month of the least impressive burst of age-related existential angst ever recorded. This has already cost him so much, that his long-suffering wife Pamela has temporarily delayed plans to replace the cupboards in her kitchen.

‘Once I turned 50, I realised I was running out of time to live out the dreams I had as a young man,’ Haynes said. ‘Unfortunately, as I had always wanted to be an accountant, I never had many dreams to begin with and had forgotten what they were anyway, so it took a year to get going.’

In the month after his 51st birthday, Haynes abruptly traded in his eight-year-old Skoda Fabia, whose clutch would probably have gone within two years, for a more aerodynamic version, after finding a good second hand one on Exchange & Mart.

‘I’ve never been much bothered about cars and there’s no point in having a blood-red Ferrari when you get stuck behind the 80-year-olds pottering about at 25 on the B roads on the way to the Freshwater Onion Festival,’ he explained.

Eyebrows were further raised at the Sandown Bridge Club when Haynes stood for the Liberal Democrats at the county council elections last May: he came in a distant third behind the Tory and Whig candidates.

They might have been even more shocked had they known that he had also Googled Marjorie Walker, his only girlfriend before marrying Pamela at the age of 23, and briefly considered contacting her until seeing that she was happily married to a quantity surveyor and living overseas in Hampshire.

‘I just hope he’s going to get over it soon,’ sighed Pamela. ‘Next thing you know, he’ll be calling in sick at work and vanishing off to Ventnor to watch a cricket match, he’s that wild and capricious at the moment.’

Barry, however, is unrepentant. ‘Pamela has always held me back, that’s why I’m making up for lost time. Well, she can have her bloody kitchen cupboards, that model ship I’m making in the shed only cost £35, for heaven’s sake. And she had better not drag the bondage parties in Cowes every first Wednesday into this because they are nothing to do with it – I’ve been going to them since I was 32.’

Image:Pixabay/Engin_Akyurt

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Man shocked to learn he is tall after stranger points it out

A man has been left stunned after finding out he is tall.

'Big Mike', 39, had never thought of himself as tall until a complete stranger pointed it out: 'Suddenly the pieces fell into place. I often wondered why my trousers finished at my ankles, why I was always banging my head on doorways, why everyone else was so short. It was only when this bloke in the pub went 'blimey you're tall' I thought 'am I? ...yes, actually he might be on to something'...then it all made sense.

Everyone has been amazing, if I ever forget that I am tall, there is always a friendly stranger to ask me what the weather is like up there, it never gets old.

I finally understand why they call me 'Big Mike' - I can't believe I never realised before. Now I just need to work out why my other nickname is 'Sarcastic Mike', maybe I'll ask that friendly stranger to help me out with that one too'.

Image: Pixabay/mohamed_hasan

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