Injured Marcus Rashford ruled out of World Cup...

Netflix buy Roald Dahl's books so rich corporations can get a happy ending

The global streaming service has said it intends to make a few tweaks to Dahl’s books, to ensure that ‘Arthur Slugworth gets fair representation’. In a surprising plot twist, Charlie finds a golden ticket, only to have an injunction taken out against him by Veruca Salt. The Oompa Loompas are deported and everyone gets stage two diabetes.

‘We want the books to have endings that reflect the reality of late-stage capitalism,’ explained a producer. ‘It makes much more sense for Willy Wonka to float his firm on the stock market, rather than bequeath it to a boy whose own grandparents fake being bed ridden, in order to scrounge benefits.’

With the new versions, Aunt Sponge and Aunt Spiker successfully sell their peach stockpiles to Tesco and unwanted grubs to ITV’s ‘Bushtucker Trial’. Miss Trunchball establishes a successful academy chain. While The Grand High Witch gets her wish to wipe out of children in the UK, by turning Marcus Rashford into a mouse.

Said the author’s estate. ‘It’s what Roald would have wanted... BFG... Big F$ckin Greed’

Rashford not sure which white cabinet minister he spoke to

Footballer Marcus Rashford has allegedly revealed to friends that he’s no longer sure if he had a Zoom meeting with Gavin Williamson or Dominic Raab.

A spokesperson for the England international said ‘It’s pretty weird that guaranteeing poor kids have enough food to eat is such a long conversation. The problem is Marcus can’t remember which white middle-aged Dickensian villain masquerading as a cabinet minister, that he spoke to.’

Political commentator Marianne Morrison attempted to solve the conundrum, saying: ‘It probably wasn’t Raab, he doesn’t really do phone calls. The talent vacuum that is Gavin Williamson? His energy is ex-TA and constantly going on about it. Williamson becoming Secretary of State for Education gives hope to all the divorced dads out there, desperately trying to impress the children of their new, younger partner. There’s a limited number of times that making your thumb disappear is going to cut it, best get that tarantula back in the game.’

Meanwhile, a spokesperson for the embattled Education Secretary confirmed that all ‘bleeding heart liberals’ looked the same to him. ‘Besides, football, rugby, what’s the difference? Neither is cricket, correct?’

The awkwardness of the moment was not dispelled when Williamson also claimed that Gandalf and Dumbledore were one and the same, while Jedward was only one guy. He went on to say over-weight women were just pregnant and that Samuel L Jackson was in The Matrix. The aide explained: ‘The important thing is that all starving school children look the same to Mr Williamson – expendable’. Hat tip Wrenfoe