Masked avengers across the UK are suing the government for lost earnings, blaming the recent lifting of mask restrictions for a rapid drop in income. "It used to be easy being a masked avenger under Covid," said one avenger, who preferred, as usual, to remain anonymous. "Since everyone had to wear masks, no one could tell if you were out shopping, going to the cinema or, you know, avenging. Since the lifting of restrictions, however, we stand out a lot more, and people tend to see us coming. This makes avenging much harder." Masked avengers make money from people and companies who prefer to outsource their vengeance due to time restrictions. Many are hired online and sent after noisy neighbours, people who push shopping trollies into canals, and that bastard in the delivery van who always parks on the footpath. Success rates have plummeted since the lifting of mask restrictions, however, with many avengers struggling to break even after mask laundry costs are taken into account. The government has refused to comment other that to state that their case rests on ample evidence that vengeance is actually a lot easier without a mask.
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- Jul 16, 2021
Updated: Jun 22, 2022
Serial complainer and seasoned scene causer Darren Bates, aged 43 from Preston, achieved what he claimed to be a personal best yesterday after being forcibly removed from Manchester Airport by security following a tedious two-hour stand-off with staff over his refusal to put a mask on.
As soon as Bates heard on the news that the airport will be continuing to ask people to wear masks even after the legal requirement to do so ends, he knew it was an opportunity to make a public nuisance of himself that he couldn’t afford to miss. Bates randomly booked a last-minute deal without even bothering to check the destination, and eagerly set off for the airport with a self-righteous grin spread across his fully exposed face.
Bates explained later that he tries to “choose his battles wisely” and usually only exercises his fundamental human right to be an awkward, petty gobshite with the most puny and inexperienced looking customer service personnel, and strategically picks fights with people whose jobs depend on them resisting the urge to punch him repeatedly in the head. On this occasion, his strategy backfired with the arrival of several large and formidable members of airport security who intervened after his refusal to don a face covering before boarding his flight was about to enter its third hour. The situation escalated into a very short-lived physical confrontation, which resulted in Bates being tasered by security staff and falling to the floor in a crumpled heap, soiling himself in the process.
The self-proclaimed ‘defender of civil liberties’ regained consciousness in a pool of his own urine outside the airport, just in time to see his plane taking off without him, almost three hours behind schedule, which Bates takes full credit for. Although he will be missing his holiday, he won’t be getting a refund and he may face criminal charges, Bates said he has “no regrets” about his actions. Bolstered by what he described as a “huge victory”, Bates revealed that, after nipping home to change his underpants, he is planning to go to London, a city he has never visited before, to protest about having to wear a mask on the tube.
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