Man successfully cooks something on smallest gas hob ring on cooker

A man has confounded all logic and reason by managing to successfully cook something on the smallest of the 4 hob rings on his gas cooker, it has been confirmed.

Mike McBride 46, managed to cook a small pan of penne pasta in just under 5 hours but admitted that he never expected to complete the ultimate endurance task, only taking it on out of desperation, as all the other hob rings were unavailable.

'I had no choice really', admitted McBride - there was a sauce boiling on one, some veg cooking on the massive hob ring, and of course, the back right ring wasn't igniting, its always the back right one, isn't it?'.

'I tried all the tricks in the book, including constantly twisting the hob dial left and right whilst crouched down closely inspecting the flame to see whether anything other than a miniscule amount of gas was coming through, but it had no effect' admitted McBride.

McBride is now planning another record breaking attempt by trying to work out what the setting on his oven means where it has a half zigzag line at the top and a straight line at the bottom.

Image: Pixabay/Maikolaquino

Student Masterchef, Episode One.

Andi Oliver (for it is she) meets the chefs.

AO: Hello, Gareth. What are you preparing for us tonight?

Gareth: A classic with a twist, Andi. Haricots sur pain grillé avec doigts de poisson.

AO (fanning herself): Interesting combination!

Gareth: Yes a mixture of taste and texture.

AO: Sounds like a winner. Now Darren what have you to offer?

Darren: Reheated Kebab de la nuit dernière soused in Henderson Relish.

AO: Fine local produce. Kylie?

Kylie: Granola moins lait avec céleri.

AO: A rather spartan meal idea there, Kylie.

Kylie: S'all I can afford.

AO: Finally, Geoffrey?

Geoffrey: Loin of Greg Wallace cooked sous vide, marinated in his own piss.

AO: Tangy. Well, chefs start cooking

Image: Pixabay/planet_fox

Men confirm plans to eat absolutely loads of bread

Men have confirmed their plans to eat prodigious quantities of bread, in all its various forms.

This will include the consumption of some form of breaded product at every single meal, as well as topping up with bread-based snacks in-between, men everywhere noted today.

Men also stressed that where bread products are not naturally included with a meal, provisions will be made to add bread in, in the form of side-orders of rolls, pittas and naan breads, bread to mop up gravy and meat juice, bread to sandwich a piece of meat or fish between, and in extreme situations, breadsticks.

'It's actually hard to believe how much I love bread', confirmed Pete McBride, 47, between munches of a ridiculously large chunk of white farmhouse loaf. 'So far today, I've had a pain au chocolat and croissant for breakfast, a sarnie for lunch, a nice teacake mid-afternoon, and some garlic bread for tea - with a bit of pasta. I've got to go now, as it's actually nearly time for my three slices of toast before bed.'

In other news, men have revealed they will continue to eat frankly astonishing amounts of cheese, almost exclusively late at night.

Image: PixabayBelovedPrincss