Updated: Jan 12, 2022
With the spectre of Halloween looming, rumours are swirling that several leading Conservatives have appointments with a Mr Mephistopheles, a representative of Tory donors B L Zeebub Inc. The deals those Tories are said to have struck to secure their earthly successes will expire at midnight and their souls will be deemed oven-ready, i.e. taken to the fiery pits of hell for eternal burning. Those affected Tories have appeared more visibly nervous and twitchy than when avoiding a question about Brexit and empty shelves.
‘Who said empty souls?’ panicked a Tory grandee, flinging holy water in all directions.
A spokesdemon said: ‘Just imagine how horrific Matt Hancock’s career would have been without our evil assistance. Obviously the general population have had a terrible time as a result, but the Dark Lord considers that a collateral benefit.’
Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst commented, ‘Cabinet was a little feisty, I’ve never seen so many hastily drawn pentagrams, although the volume of unholy shrieking was pretty standard. Priti Patel said that since Mephistopheles “sounds a bit Greek maybe?” he could be deported.
Boris intends to hide, disguising himself as a vagrant, drinking heavily and muttering in Latin at street pigeons. Liz Truss thought it was Mr Mistoffelees from Cats, then claimed she’d signed a trade deal with Hades. Rishi will probably flee to whichever Cayman Island he owns. Sajid Javid admitted he’d misjudged the mood by arriving dressed as a sexy nurse. Boris seemed into it though.’