How a micro-penis is micro-f*cking the climate

Clementine Carruthers from the Rupert Murdoch Institute for Denying Inconvenient Facts said, 'This graph I drew in crayon proves that Greta Thunberg is now a major source of climate change after she burned another right-wing, fact-sceptic, micro-penis owner. Also climate change is a hoax and Jeremy Clarkson's bitter, twisted misogyny is just saying what Rupert says we're all thinking. We're all sexually infuriated by much younger women who are articulate as well as attractive. Throwing shit at our own mortality isn't Freudian. Definitely not, Daddy.'

A tiny statement from the Micro-Penis Owners Association read, 'How dare YOU Andrew Tate, we have enough problems! The platinum memberships of Tate, plus Jeremy Clarkson and Piers Morgan are hereby downgraded. Not revoked because, after all, Andrew Tate has a micro-penis, Jeremy Clarkson is imperceptibly priapic and Piers Morgan is smoother than a sweaty Ken doll down there.'

Microbiologist denies naming parasite species after ex-wife

In response to a recent survey which identified that only 4% of the names of new species recognise women, a parasitologist has identified a new creature to be called susanisa heartlessmoneygrabba. Professor Wilkinson claims that he was simply addressing the gender bias, and the name of the newly-discovered species of blood-sucking organism has nothing to do with his acrimonious divorce.

Professor Wilkinson went on to explain that susanisa heartlessmoneygrabba begins life as an independent life form, keen on reproductive acts and looking for a willing host. The host is then tricked into accommodating the organism which develops claws to dig in to the victim’s flesh. It also doubles its weight, stops all reproductive acts, starts sucking blood and reduces the host’s enjoyment of life.

“Any similarity between susanisa heartlessmoneygrabba and my former partner, or any other person called Susan, is purely coincidence,” said the world authority on leeches.

Koli Bacteria Escherichia Coli - Free photo on Pixabay