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Suella to sing in new leadership pitch

hokeyloki
Aug 30

NewsBiscuit has discovered a set of lyrics in an e-mail trail, after being sent an email from the Home Secretary’s official account (followed by a further message an hour later from her personal email account saying “D’oh, please ignore the previous message”).



It is believed that the lyrics (based on a 1974 Hues Corporation hit) are intended to be sung by Ms Braverman at the next Tory Party Conference in October. As this may be the final Tory Conference before the next General Election, this can be viewed as an important part of a potential leadership bid.




Stop the Boats (apologies to Wally Holmes)



Would you like to know how I’ll get promotion?

Yes, you’d like to know how I’ll get promotion!



We’ll stop the boats

We’ll stop the boats, baby.

Stop the Boats

We’ll tip the boats over

Stop the Boats

They won’t get to Dover

Stop the Boats!



Ever since we got back into power,

We’ve hit the poor

Just like the rush of the wind.

And while we’ve kept the rich

Quite safe from austerity,

There’ll always be the threat

From Wokerati.


The Left is full of shit, like the ocean

We need speed and more awareness

To get true loco motion.


So, would you like to know how I’ll get devotion?

Yes, you’d like to know how I’ll get devotion!



We’ll stop the boats

We’ll stop the boats, baby.

Stop the Boats

We’ll tip the boats over

Stop the Boats

And I’ll be in clover

Stop the Boats!


Till last year

We kept up in the polls

And we’ve always had the right-wing press

To fill the holes


But now we need a big distraction

From our sinking ship

Don't drift away

Let three words come from your sweet lips.



There’s lawyers full of shit, like the ocean

And Rwanda’s failed and even Bibby’s

Stuck in slow motion



Would you like to know how I’ll get promotion?

Yes, you’d like to know how I’ll get promotion!



We’ll stop the boats

We’ll stop the boats, baby



[Etc., until you hear the music fade, or you get a “slitting throat” gesture from Greg at the back of the hall - which means “stop”, BTW]


A further suggested song based on the 1984 Mike Oldfield song Get to France (F*** off back to France) appears to have been rejected as “too modern” for the Conference audience, “without enough clap-along potential” and “containing a rude word”.


The Home Secretary has been approached for comment (via both email accounts)



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First published 30 Aug 2023


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Migrants: Search for demeaning lodgings continues

Writer: deskpilot
deskpilot
Aug 17


Home Office Ministers have tasked their civil servants with finding suitable accommodation for the thousands of migrants arriving in small boats. In the case, suitable means depressing, demeaning and humiliating – while remaining, of course, legal. The logic is that migrants must have accommodation that is worse than that enjoyed by most voters. The accommodation must convince the electorate that every expense is being spared.


Accommodation on the floating barge, the Bibby Stockholm, does meet the current requirements, but it only has limited capacity. Discussions with P&O about hiring more ships have foundered as the government felt the company was paying its staff too much. So the search for alternative living quarters is underway.


Home Office staff have pitched a range of unpleasant options back to Ministers. These include a camping site in Grimsby that is downwind of a fish processing factory. The site has the required zero to one star TripAdvisor review and the facilities are described as ‘stubbornly adequate’. The main attraction for the politicians is the pong of fish, which is persistent and pervasive, and might encourage the migrants to return home.


Another option is for migrants to sleep on underused trains between 10pm and 6am. Hostel trains would trundle slowly back and forth between stations on the fringes of the rail network, such as the line between Hull and Scarborough. This proposal means that, as the migrants are always on the move, they will never achieve settled status and would certainly not get a settled night’s sleep. Ministers remain concerned that the tabloids will say that migrants are being funded to go on trips to the seaside.


A third option under consideration is to house migrants in a disused coal mine. ‘Out of sight, not out of mine,’ joked one official, who asked to be named. Residents would be allowed up to ground level once a fortnight, to send and receive texts and use a proper toilet. Staff are investigating if there is a human right to be able to see the sky.


Ministers have defended their proposals, saying that they have rejected the most extreme options. A campsite by the runway at Heathrow was ruled out as a risk to travellers. Accommodation at a nuclear waste dump was thought to have implications for national security, although it was nice and warm. And lodging migrants in portaloos on the central reservation of the A1(M) was found to be too expensive. You’d be surprised how much it costs to rent a portaloo.



Why not join our WhatsApp channel, NewsBiscuit Daily Posts? You can access the latest output from NewsBiscuit and share posts easily with friends, family and colleagues using WhatsApp. Get some biscuits in your pocket (sorry about the crumbs, though) by clicking here.



First published 17 Aug 2023


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