‘Gap between borrowing and savings rates’ to be recognised as a Wonder of the World

The huge chasm between the rates for borrowing money and those offered to savers by banks is to replace the Grand Canyon as one of the Wonders of the World, it has been announced.

‘It’s about time this gap got some kind of recognition’, said bank account holder Mike McBride.

‘I regularly stand there staring at my bank statement, speechless, in simple open-mouthed awe, comparing the 5% or 6% interest rate on my mortgage with the 0.5% offered to me on my admittedly measly levels of savings’

‘I was lucky enough to be looking at the gap last week and saw it increase in size in front of my eyes – something to tell the grandchildren’, continued McBride.

‘When the Bank of England increased the base rate, my mortgage rate immediately went up by the full 0.75% but my savings rate inched up by 0.00001%. You have to marvel at the sheer magnitude and scale of the gap – I hope it gets identified as a UNESCO heritage site or something’.

‘This is nonsense – there are some very competitive savings rates still available to customers’ said Sir Hugh Gevault of the Bankers Federation.

‘A number of our banks actually have a very generous 1.5% rate currently available to all savers. All we ask is that savers keep a minimum of £500,000 untouched in the bank there for a period of 199 years, and if they make a single withdrawal in this time, we would of course take all their children as a penalty charge’.

‘Mine and my banking executives’ eye-watering bonus levels, however’, continued Gevault. ‘Now they are a modern wonder of the world. Long may they continue’

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I work all night, I work all day to pay the bills I have to pay

7 money saving tips from financial guru, Martin Clueless

During this cost-of-living crisis, many are struggling to make ends meet. Here are some hints to help you to save a few pounds:

1. Clear out your food cupboard - you’re bound to find several items you’d forgotten about. Ignore ‘best before’ dates – that’s just a ruse thought up by food manufacturers to get you to waste money. If you find any Pot Noodles or Toast Toppers chuck them in the bin, even if they’re not out of date. Don’t donate them to a food bank – those people have suffered enough.

2. Defrost your freezer, and liberate all those stray peas and bits of carrot that have been embedded in the ice for years. Combine them will all the loose grains of rice from the back of the food cupboard to make a delicious risotto.

3. Don’t throw away that mouldy Cheddar from the back of the fridge - eat it, and pretend it’s Stilton. You won’t notice the taste if you wash it down with that bottle of ouzo you bought back from Greece 20 years ago.

4. Whenever you feel cold, run up and down the stairs 50 times, as fast as you can. You’ll soon be all hot and sweaty, so you won’t need to put the heating on.

5. If you are reckless enough to turn the heating on, take a tip from your Nan – don’t heat the whole house, just heat the living room to 40°C, while the rest of the house is below freezing. The blast of cold air whenever you leave the living room may come as a shock, but the sudden change in temperature will really get your circulation going. You’ll get all the same health benefits as those nutters who go ice swimming, without having to get wet.

6. Scrape the black mould from the bathroom ceiling, and spread it on a cracker. Eat it and pretend it’s Beluga caviar, like what posh people eat. It probably tastes the same.

7. Insects are a good source of protein. If you have a teenage son, there are bound to be loads of dead flies on his bedroom windowsill, which will make a nutritious snack. Try not to wonder why there are so many dead flies in there, or where the horrible smell is coming from. And definitely don’t look under the bed.

Disclaimer: Newsbiscuit is not responsible for any ill effects suffered by readers who are daft enough to follow Martin Clueless’ tips.

Image: Pixabay/QuinceCreative