Jacob Rees-Mogg has reportedly paid his apothecary a handful of guineas to release the polio vaccine as part of his plan to get back to the 'good old days' when women were witches and peasants knew their place. To cover his tracks, he then paid a sailor he knows, 'in the biblical sense,' to press gang said apothecary onto a ship bound for destruction in the Anglo-Dutch wars of the 1670s.
A spokesman for Rees-Mogg denied he was a grown up version of the kid from the Omen adding: 'Monkey pox is a good old fashioned sounding illness isn't it? We want to see the return of diseases with names like Milkmaid's Knee, Bishop's Peculiar and Jenkins' Splurge. To be fair those could be real ales too.'
Dismissing the idea a US-style abortion ban could never happen here, the spokesman laughed: 'It definitely could. Have you ever heard the phrase "Northern Ireland" before? If you're English, probably not because of your natural cushion of ignorance and xenophobia, but it will blow your mind and maybe blow up your shopping centres.
'Anyway, many Tories agree with the American Colonies basically making abortion a criminal offence. After all, it's only right that a woman who was raped receives a longer jail sentence for not wanting to raise her rapist's baby than the rapist receives for doing the raping. That seems like the behaviour of a normal functioning society. In any case, a woman with learning is almost certainly a witch. Maybe we'll get that into the next Tory manifesto.'