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An enthusiastic but unrealistic work colleague who claims that he is going to be 'all over' a task that needs completing this afternoon, is in reality only going to give it a slightly increased bit of his attention for a few minutes, it has been disappointingly revealed.
'Those excel spreadsheets with the monthly figures on - I'm totally all over those after lunch, you guys' , announced Mike McBride, reassuringly, before opening up the latest episode of The Gold on iplayer on his laptop.
‘And that presentation we’ve got to finish today pitching for a new client – I’m completely all over that, in a way you wouldn’t believe’, promised McBride, before sneaking off for an hour-long dump scrolling absent-mindedly through Facebook on his phone.
Other assertions made by McBride should be reduced by a factor of 10 to give a more reasonable indication of his attitude towards them, work colleagues have indicated.
‘Mike’s claim that he is giving 110% to a task generally means that he is sitting at his desk in sleep mode’, revealed a workmate.
‘And when he says ‘mate, I'm simply not having that', to absolutely everything, from hearing an Ed Sheeran song to a request to do the sandwich run on a Friday, it just means he has a very slight dislike of the thing in question’, continued the workmate.
‘Frustratingly, I can also reveal that his repeated reassurance that 'I've got this', generally means the exact opposite.’
Updated: Dec 7, 2021
A woman has been left deeply depressed after discovering her close friend has successfully complete a marathon.
Emma, 34, was eating biscuits and watching Netflix when the news came in: 'I knew she was planning to run a marathon for charity and I went along with it, donating a tenner and sending motivational messages like 'you got this!' and 'you're going to smash it!' but I didn't for a minute believe she would actually complete it. My stomach dropped through the floor when I saw a picture of her on Facebook, standing on the finishing line, holding her medal. I zoomed in to try and spot her tears of misery but she looked genuinely happy. I was sick to my stomach - which may just have been too many biscuits to be fair.
How dare she do this to me, all I want is to eat junk food and sit on my arse without someone rubbing their sporting success in my face. What a bitch.
I replied to her post with 'Wow that's amazing, I am so proud of you' and lots of thumbs up emojis before having a good cry over how utterly selfish and thoughtless she is'.
Emma has heard another friend of hers is planning to do an Iron Man and has her fingers crossed for a spectacular failure to dig her out of her pit of despair.
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