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NASA scientists to smash next probe into Kwasi Kwarteng head

Writer: Gerontius
Gerontius
Oct 2


Following the success of their asteroid smashing experiment, controllers based at the Johns Hopkins University Applied Physics Laboratory (JHU-APL) say they will now turn their attention to the rock-like substance that lies between Kwasi Kwarteng’s ears.


Space agency executive Dr. Doris Glazier admitted they were not sure if the Kwarteng impact would be as successful as the deep space collision, but they would at least give it a go.


‘The DART probe only had to travel seven million miles to reach its destination before smashing into the asteroid.

It sounds impressive, but Kwarteng inhabits a totally different solar system to the rest of us and we’re not entirely sure if he can be reached.


And as his mini-budget showed, Kwarteng’s brain is thicker than any space rock known to man.

DART was travelling at 15,000 mph when it crashed into the asteroid, but we’re not sure if that would have any significant impact on the rubble found inside the Chancellor’s brain.


But we have to try; we need to find something to make him change direction. The asteroid rocket may be our only chance’.


Observers say Mr Kwarteng’s policies could bring about the death of the last remaining dinosaurs on Earth, or the Tory party as they are more commonly known here in the UK.



First published 2 Oct 2022


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Hubble Telescope hit hard by launch of bigger, shinier successor

Writer: rogt
rogt
Sep 2

Following the successful launch of the Nancy Grace Roman Space Telescope this week, NASA has confirmed that its predecessor, the Hubble Telescope is now obsolete.


Astronauts passing on the International Space Station say the news has hit Hubble hard. “It’s as if the spark has gone out of its life,” said one. “It’s just floating there, aimless”.


Another said: “The mirrors need cleaning for a start. “It’s as if it has given up now. It’s just kicking cans around the universe with its hands in its pockets. And you can forget SETI, the Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence. Hubble isn’t bothered anymore. SETI? It’s more like a settee and a six-pack.”


Numerous news reports have made the situation worse for Hubble. The BBC Science Correspondent Pallab Ghosh-is-it-as-big-as-that said: “The Nancy Grace Roman telescope will capture vast panoramic views of space, with a field of vision 100 times larger than Hubble. It will explore billions of galaxies, some of which may have planets with temperate atmospheres similar to our own.”


The telescope is named after physicist Nancy Grace Roman, who isn’t the girl with the weird name in your Year 10 class at school, that was Deidre Longbottom; no, Nancy Grace Roman was Nasa’s first chief astronomer in the 1960s and its first female executive.


Meanwhile, Hubble – named after Edwin Hubble, a US astronomer from the black-and-white era – is now heading to be known as ‘Whobble?’, as he joins the ranks of ‘Neets’, those pieces of space flotsam ‘Not in Education, Employment, or Telescopy’


Image: NASA Hubble Space Telescope - Hubble Space Telescope, Public Domain, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=70818886



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