Family actually prefer my armchair Olympic commentaries, says Dad

A man has claimed that his wife and three children actually prefer the expert analysis that he is delivering throughout the Olympics, compared to the official BBC commentaries provided by ex-gold medallists and broadcasters with years of experience.

Pete Mcbride, 47, has been delivering haiku style summaries of every Olympic performer from his Laz-E-Boy recliner since the early hours of Saturday morning, ranging from the gymnastics floor event ('he pulled out of that planche to handstand there') to tae-kwon do ('that's surely got to be a gam-jeon'?.'

'I think the family likes to know what's going on - the official commentators just seem to miss some of key kernels of insight', said McBride, with one eye on the Men's triathlon. 'I see my role as a kind of public information service....oh, that's a sloppy transition from the bike from the Ukrainian there - that's going to cost him'.

'Lots of splash on entry there', continued McBride, making the exact same point for at least the 20th time on the synchronised diving event. 'The difficulty rating was high, but the judges have been panning them on different rotation speeds'.

'By day 5, me and the three kids now know for sure that its a balance between difficulty level and execution in a lot of events, that the third 500 metres in rowing races are key, that the Cubans have a rich pedigree in boxing, and that getting a 10 in the archery is 'definitely top drawer', said a weary Sarah McBride, Pete's wife. 'I don't think we can take any more'.

'The family look to be 'in the red' already in terms of stamina', summarised McBride excitedly. 'They'll need to dig deep if they've any hope of making it through to finals day with me. Otherwise, they'll unfortunately go into the repecharge'

Image: mohamed_hassan/Pixabay

British public completely baffled over what exactly JPN stands for

'We haven't a clue', said Pauline Tennant, a 43-year-old grandmother from Romford. 'We were up all night but couldn't work it out. The nearest we could get was Jalapeno pepper, although Kylie, my eldest, thought it might be Japonica'.

The BBC switchboard has been inundated with calls from viewers demanding to know what exactly JPN stands for. Deputy Diversity Switchboard Chief, Nigel Mugford, admitted they'd been caught out.

'Our £3.6bn viewer modelling contraption predicted a small surge in calls during a large pointless sporting event, but nothing on this scale. We've had to recruit hundreds more switchboard operators to cope with the demand. I can only apologise to all our viewers, and I've promised our new Director General that there will be a full internal investigation'.

'JPN is certainly something of a mystery and has caught people's imagination. Interestingly we've had no problems with people working out what BRA stands for.'

Tom Daley wins gold in synchronized tube station diving

Tom Daley has added to his medal haul with an exceptional performance in London’s submerged, rat-infested tube stations.

The British aquatic sport’s poster boy excelled in the brand new event that was introduced to take full advantage of Climate Change induced flash-flooding wherever it occurs.

Despite a packed station at Elephant and Castle, Daley saw off a late surge from the Chinese divers and dazzled judges with his trademark pike, which he managed to execute from a potentially dangerous static escalator.

However, the young diving wonder was left distraught after discovering that his Oyster Card was completely soggy and is no longer recognised by the purpose-built scanning devices.

“Naturally, I’m delighted to come first, especially after finding that jumping into water in a graceful fashion was having an adverse effect on my modelling career,” Daley told reporters as excess rainwater dripped from his muscular torso and the wind from a passing storm tossed his lustrous head of hair.

“My reverse tailspin off the roof of temporarily closed Pret a Manger had the judges salivating, not that you could tell due to the sheer volume of floodwater.”

“But to receive a perfect score of ten from the buskers was a career highlight. That said, they did do a pretty shit cover of Wonder Wall and I wasn’t going to part with my hard-won change for any fucker.”

“I just hope I can repeat this amazing feat when anthropogenic global warming exceeds two degrees C, the Hammersmith Line reaches saturation point and Londoners’ commutes are regularly interrupted by taciturn floating corpses.”

On what was widely touted as a fantastic day for Team GB, Daley and partner Matty Lee’s success was not without a sour note.

The super-tanned, lithe embodiment of all that is wholesome about water added:

“Sadly, I’ve been fined £250 for performing a triple forward splash without a valid ticket to Tottenham Court Road.”