Things that will make life worth living this summer

July 4th: Labour oust Tories in general election.

July 5th: 70% of British media start as they mean to go for the next five years, telling Starmer his administration is doomed.

July the Inevitableteenth: England crash out of Euro24. Riots breaks out in Hartlepool FC car park. Endless autopsies in media and saloon bars on the cold, dead corpse of English football.

July the Verysoonteeth: last of our great hopes trips over his or her racquet swiping hopelessly at an ace and crashes out of Wimbledon. Endless autopsies on the hardly ever breathing corpse of British tennis.

August Bank Holiday: Angela Rayner leads cavalry charge of disaffected trade unionists on donkeys on Blackpool beach, shouting "No Gods! No Starmers!" 100% of media endlessly repeat that Labour and the country are doomed.

July - September: England start thrilling chain of humiliating cricket defeats. Autopsies break out in media and long rooms across the nation on the pearly white corpse of English cricket.

Olympics: Team GB athletes finish seventh out of eight in almost every event. Surprise winner of the bronze in synchronised ludo is given a knighthood and elected leader of the Conservative Party. Later defects to Reform UK.

(This doesn't seem much to live for. You're fired - Ed)

November: Trump wins election and persuades UK government to make Farage ambassador to Washington. Farage leaves UK for the next several years.

(That's a bit more like it. I'll think about rehiring you - Ed)

Olympic Committee told not to award games to host nations which are TOO despotty

Following a sequence of odd choices of host nations, World Football and the International Olympic Committee have been asked to tone the corruption down a notch.

'Fair enough taking the massive bungs and everything, but please stop letting war criminals engage in sports-washing,' said Dirk van der Wereld, head screw at Hague Prison.

'Some of these tyrants take global sporting events as an invitation to whip up nationalism to fever pitch, and then as soon as it's over, go all special military exercise on neighbouring countries.

'It's like giving a massive bag of sweeties to a tearaway toddler as long as it promises not to poke the dog up its bunghole again. You know what's going to happen.

'Genocide is not the kind of track record we're looking for. And do we really want legacy to mean mutually assured destruction?'

Queueing To Become Official Olympic Sport

The International Olympic Committee has today confirmed that queueing will be recognised as an official Olympic sport.

This follows the huge surge of interest in the activity following the death of Queen Elizabeth II.

It is hoped that by the time the next games begin in France, in 2024, competitors will be able to complete in a range of different events including:

Endurance Queueing

Synchronised Queueing

Queue-Jumping

The news has been welcomed by fans of queueing across the world with many taking to social media to express their delight.

Queue-Cutie22 tweeted: "Super excited that a hobby handed down by generations in my family, is to get the recognition it deserves"

QueriousQueuer also tweeted: "Wait. This is an actual thing? Can’t wait for 2024. #queuegoodtobetrue"

Keith Kinchin, owner of the popular app "Queues4U", which helps hobbyists meet up at queues around the world said "I never thought I'd see this day in my lifetime. With our diverse range of members, I've no doubt we'll be bring home the medals in 2024.”

image from pixabay