Record breaking levels of the omicron variant have led to fears of the return of lockdowns, home schooling and Joe Wicks.
Wearing a Christmas jumper and with tinsel draped over a party hat, slightly sozzled Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst said ‘Everyone’s getting this cool new hip and happening variant. It’s a total vindication of Boris’ twin strategies of herd immunity and letting the bodies pile high.
On an unrelated note we’re playing Twister at our work-meeting-that-isn’t-a-party. Our plan is to save Christmas, then close the borders to keep foreigners out and our rabid base happy. But we won’t have an official lockdown because that means paying for furlough and Rishi did not look happy about helping people. Plus venues will close and we really want the creative arts to suffer because anyone with a soul hates us. Job done I’d say.’