Johnson considering fictional ethics advisor

The Prime-Minister is believed to be considering a fictional character as his new ethics advisor with the Lords Voldemort and Vader heading the list.

"There are some restrictions on who can be appointed", explained a Downing Street spokesman, "For example, people convicted of high treason and bankrupts aren't allowed to sit in the Lords; that eliminated around half the list, however there's no rule saying that the appointment must be of a real person and the advantage of a chap like Lord Voldemort is that he's already a Lord."

Image: Unsplash/Tommy Van Kessel

Wanted: Ethics Advisor, must have GSOH

'How many ethics advisors does it take to change Boris Johnson? Only one, but Boris Johnson has to really wanna change.'

As if being Boris Johnson's ethics advisor wasn't enough of a joke, a good sense of humour (but not necessarily a good sense of right and wrong) could form part of the formal job description. Employment opportunities for the ever-growing list of former ethics advisors include Keir Starmer's charisma consultant, Prince Andrew's diary manager and Elon Musk's hair strategist.

Being asked about a 'deliberate and purposeful breach of the Ministerial Code' was the final straw for the latest sucker. Johnson allegedly muttered about having 'done a lot worse' and the old mnemonic 'Divorced, beheaded, died, divorced, beheaded, survived.' His mood was later lifted by the realisation he could get blotto at yet another leaving do.

PM dumbs down ministerial code to make it more comprehensible to himself

The Prime Minister has removed the words "honesty, integrity, transparency and accountability" from the ministerial code, it has been revealed.

'Boris just doesn't understand what these words mean', said a source close to the PM. 'His face just goes blank whenever they're mentioned'.

An aide is said to have attempted to help him understand, but was asked by the PM to only use single syllable words if at all possible as his head was starting to hurt.