Army to machine-gun turkeys to help avert Christmas shortage

Following news that the army has been drafted in to deliver fuel to resolve supply issues at UK forecourts, it has emerged that the army will also be used to help prevent a shortage of Christmas turkeys by massacring the birds with machine-gun fire.

Farmers have warned that a turkey shortage is on the Christmas cards due to visa changes, allowing recruitment from abroad, coming too late. The idea of sending in the army to help assuage problem came to the Prime Minister when actioning a memo to deliver another raft of swingeing cuts to the military.

Head of the British Army, General Ignatius Fortesque-Smythe said the ideas was, “Top drawer.”

“My boys will attend poultry farms up and down the country and give each of the birds five rounds-rapid. That’ll show the feathery blighters.” Enthused the General. “We could even set up specialist platoons known as the Turkhas who will help us save Christmas this year but can then be treated appallingly for many years to come.

“We also have the option of calling in air strikes from the RAF, a nice dose of napalm would cater for all those lazy oiks who like their Turkey pre-cooked. Or alternatively, using modern methods, they could kill two birds with one drone, thought that might take longer.”

Labour have warned that the move could put unnecessary strain on dentists over the festive period with bullets found in turkey breasts damaging revellers’ teeth. The profession already struggles with Christmas workloads, mainly due to the toffee penny in boxes of Quality Street.

The government are also said to be giving thought to supplying each UK household with a festive sledgehammer for help with cracking their Christmas nuts…

Image: Pixabay/Olga1205

Traumatised shopper forced to use Lidl

A customer was left distraught after trying to complete their weekly grocery shop in a discount retailer instead of their usual supermarket due to the hordes of people waiting to fill up their cars. Mrs Hart decided that, rather than wait patiently in the queue to get into Sainsbury’s, she would shop in Lidl in order to give herself enough time to get to her pilates class later that morning. She now regrets that decision.

‘Before going in, I tried to make myself look working class by putting on the hi-vis waistcoat that I always carry in my Yaris in case of a breakdown’, explained Mrs Hart. ‘But I stood out a mile amongst all the horrid women in leggings that really shouldn’t be wearing leggings with their figures’.

Even accepting that she would probably be unable to get her usual superfood salads and kale-flavoured couscous, Mrs Hart was nevertheless disappointed that she was unable to discuss the relative merits of Iberico ham and prosciutto di Parma with the deli counter staff, primarily because there wasn’t a deli counter.

‘I saved quite a lot of money compared to my usual household bill but only because I couldn’t lower myself to buying pies instead of chicken and ham en croute, or pasta in tomato sauce instead of penne con pomodoro e basilico’, said Mrs Hart. ‘Some people might think they’re the same thing but my usual food emporium assures me that I’d be able to taste the difference’.

Image: Pixabay/StockSnap