New Covid variant branching out into plumbing and accountancy

In one of Nature's most frightening feats of adaptive mutation, the Coronavirus is now assuming forms never seen before. "We fear it could have insinuated itself into telemarketing or even be selling you double glazing", says epidemiologist Dr Mark Boyle. "We urge the public to be constantly vigilant".

Paranoia has gripped the nation. There are rumours that the virus could now be reading the news on Sky or posing as a junior minister. Police have called for calm after after a semi-literate mob of vigilantes attacked an Oxford classics don after they overheard him saying "I like Ovid".

Meanwhile, Piers Morgan remains holed up in a basement underneath the studios, as his bosses try to convince the howling mob outside that it was "just a metaphor" when he was described as "a virus in human form".

Image: PIRO4D | Pixabay

GB News sign up Roy Race as World Cup Anchor and senior pundit

In what some see as a desperate attempt to double its viewing number, GB News has signed former football star Roy Race of Melchester Rovers to cover the World Cup. The popular footballist, famed for his bicycle kicks, double-nutted power headers and ability to score winning goals when every bone in his body had been broken, is seen as a coup for GB News.

Roy of the Rovers, as he was known at the peak of his footballing career, was overlooked by Sir Alf Ramsey in the 1966 World cup to the lament of his fans, who insist that had he been selected, Germany would have thrown the towel in at half time.

Newsbiscuit looked into the mystery of why Sir Alf declined to include Britain's greatest ever footballer from the team and discovered that Race refused point blank to be part of a team that had foreigners in it; or anyone who looked like they might have a drop of foreign blood in them, or even had a foreign sounding name.

GB News describe him as the salt of the earth type character that Britain lacks these days; and are optimistic that the football hero will not only inspire youngsters to take an interest in football, but encourage them to consider how great Britain once was, back in the days when football trains were being trashed by supporter

Piers Morgan going door to door trying to offend people

Amidst news that his flagship primetime talk show on TalkTV has now dropped to fewer than 24,000 viewers, talk show host and professional walk-off merchant (Check whether this is a typo - Ed.) Piers Morgan has now taken to calling on unsuspecting members of the public at home in a vain attempt to cause some confrontation and controversy.

Banging on doors in leafy St Albans, Morgan is prepared for any eventuality: carrying a case containing a steak baguette should a vegan answer; a Union Flag in case someone isn't looking forward to the upcoming jubilee; and a crucifix just in case he runs into Meghan Markle.

At his first house, Morgan draws a blank, meeting 89-year old Doris who remembers him from Good Morning Britain - and misses him on that - though she prefers Adil Ray who, 'speaks very nicely for a foreign.' However, at house number two he hits paydirt when the door is opened by Niall, a 36-year old freelance graphic designer, who has been working from home since the pandemic started. After a five minute rant about lazy millennials wanting it all, Morgan walks away puce-faced but satisfied someone has felt his wrath.

Speaking after the encounter, Niall remained upbeat, remarking, 'It was brief but kind of fun. I didn't even get a chance to tell him I'm pescatarian, or my pronouns are they/them, but I think he just needed to blow off some steam after being cooped up in that studio with only the crew to be angry towards. His producer gave me a release form to sign and reminded me to tune in tonight, but I think I'll stick to my repeats of Bake Off.'

Morgan says he plans to continue this one-man crusade to shock until his ratings recover. Failing that, he plans to increase the annoyance he can bring to Britain's doorsteps by becoming a Jehovah's Witness.

Image: NathanCopley | Pixabay