San Francisco cops stopping self drive car disappointed they had no-one to beat up

When two San Francisco cops pulled up a car travelling without lights on at dusk, they expected to be handing out a citation and and a good hiding. 'The car was obviously pimped, so you know what that means,' said one of the cops. Unfortunately for the cops the car was a self driving specimen powered by General Motors autonomously. 'There was nobody in the car,' exclaimed the cop, who was then bemused when the car started its engine and relocated 300 feet further down the street.

The policemen have been assured that the vehicle wasn't breaking any rules, although GM held their hands up to say the failure to put the lights on was a human error, not a computer error. 'It's all ok,' said the other cop. 'We stuck a citation under the wiper blade anyway and fortunately noticed a black guy walking past the car, so we beat him up anyway. He'll be in jail for a few years now for resisting arrest,' he added.

TV Detective immediately spots crime on CCTV footage without asking for it to be rewound

A TV detective was celebrating today, after finding incriminating evidence about a crime on his first watch of newly acquired CCTV footage, without having to stand in the background and then suddenly shout 'Wait! There! Rewind that bit!'.

DCI Mike McBride, the downtrodden lead investigator in the popular police/forensic pathology procedural 'Talking Stiffs', broke with all conventions by immediately spotting his prime suspect smashing a hammer into the head of the victim just 5 seconds into watching some crystal clear colour footage.

'There you go. Bam! Oh, that's got to hurt!', said a delighted McBride. 'And look, what's that, just as he's cocking his head helpfully towards the camera? Is he pulling his wallet out of his pocket? You can see his driving licence with his photo and address on it. That's got to be helpful for us to build a case against him'.

'We were expecting an all nighter', said Rachel Jones, an overworked but incisive and clever sergeant. 'I'd spent the first half of the episode trying to obtain the footage and usually, I'd expect to be endlessly playing it through, getting more and more frustrated at the lack of evidence, and being constantly passed over for promotion, until I'm asked at midnight to just look through it again for a final time, just as McBride is about to head home to his empty flat with just a bottle of whiskey and some jazz music for company.'

'The whole team would gather round my computer, and then the boss would - from 10 metres away - spot a car in the background that we'd missed before, and I'd zoom in and work out a couple of the letters on the number plate.' continued Jones. 'We'd all spill our coffees and leg it over to the suspect's house while Mcbride hollers that all leave is cancelled for the forseeable future' But no, it's case closed and we're only just at the first ad break'.

In the next episode, McBride is surprised when a helpful pathologist provides all the important forensics on a victim in a neat folder on his desk within a couple of hours of the post-mortem. The case is solved within 10 minutes after a key witness then reveals everything she knows about the murderer in the first interview, including all those bits of information that she didn't think were important at all but which turn out to be crucial.

Image: Pixabay/mohamed_hassan

20 years later Grandfather returns stolen nose to child

Merseyside Police have finally tracked down the whereabouts of a missing body part – which had left one girl bereft of a nose for two decades. Officers found the stolen respiratory organ in a mason jar, in an abandoned cellar. The jar was said to contain an assortment of children’s noses and the pickled remains of the Tooth Fairy.

Having spent most of her life with ‘crime scene’ tape tied around her head, Cicely (23) spoke of her continued trauma: ‘He put the knuckles of his index and middle fingers on either side of my nose – and the next thing I know, it’s gone! I look like an idiot’.

The culprit, her grandfather, had at the time brazenly boasted ‘I've got your nose’ – but now expressed regret: ‘It was just a joke. Like asking my grandson to pull my finger. Or telling my daughter to give up some bone marrow. When people say ‘you’ve got your mother’s eyes’ – well I’ve literally got a whole Tupperware box full of them. It’s not as if it was a nice nose anyway’.

Child Girl Face - Free photo on Pixabay

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