Starmer has it all under control

Northumbria Police in desperate search for 'PM prankster' who duped CBI conference

Northumbria Police has issued a statement today, saying several of its officers are currently engaged in an urgent operation to try to establish the identity of a mystery man posing as the Prime Minister, who duped security at the CBI Conference and gained unfettered access to the podium.

Chief Inspector James Pepper said: 'It's quite embarrassing that this joker, clearly some kind of simpleton, was actually allowed to address the delegates. I can only assume the real Prime Minister's team got wind of what was going on and whisked him away to safety.

'I can't really explain how this man not only got to the stage and was able to spout a stream of incoherent drivel. Clearly he was a deranged halfwit who could've done anything, but thankfully he mostly rambled on about some kid's TV show.'

Ten Downing Street was remaining silent on the matter today, although one source did suggest Mr Johnson was still in Glasgow tidying up the lose ends after his stunning success at the recent Cop 26 conference, adding that the mop-topped moron in South Shields was clearly a crank looking for publicity.

image from pixabay

Get more NewsBiscuit humour on Amazon

Something Similar	eBook, paperback or hardback	Something Different
Police offer advice to women on what to do while being murdered by police	Make someone happy this Christmas	Ringo Starr disowns Yellow Submarine

Police chief warns that there is a critical shortage of trouser inspectors

Chief of Trouser Inspection, Superintendent Clive Johnson-Johnson has warned that there is a severe shortage of inspectors in the Trouser Police. "The situation is critical and we are facing a trouser collapse. There are just not enough young trainees in the trouser service recruitment system and our aging workforce means that we are approaching a retirement cliff edge. Retirement trouser levels are going up and up, and nobody wants to see that."

"There is a particular problem in the area of hotel snobbery dining, where attire regulation is, quite rightly, unjustifiably strict. Sometimes we have to provide up to two inspectors per venue during the peak summer season, when there is an increased threat of chancers turning up in long shorts, knee-length stockings and loafers. Those who engage in that kind of disgraceful law-breaking behaviour really should know by now that they are not going to get past our finest on the thin brown line."

"We had already taken a belt and braces approach to what everyone could see coming. Our world-pioneering exchange agreement with Bermuda, where they have significantly lower trouser inspection requirement, has been completely exhausted. This coupled with some worrying trends we are seeing, particularly with a sharp growth in flyless fashions like onesies, could leave us with nowhere to go."

"And I would just like to dispel any myths which might be discouraging young perverts from joining the service. We are under strict orders from the Home Office to enforce policies some have called controversial and discriminatory. No one should be under any illusions. Stop and reach around really does work."