New government chief of communications positive spin machine installed wrong way up

Bojo the not clown sure can pick 'em.

Newly appointed head of communications at Number 10, Guto Harri, has had an epic first day on the job. Not quite up to GB News standards of continued employment, makes Harri the undisputed first choice for saying things right at the highest seat of power.

Grabbing prime real estate headline space across medialand for all of the wrong reasons, immediately solidifies him as exactly the sort of chap Boris Johnson needs to ensure the Great nation of Britain continues to be utterly embarrassed in the cringeworthy manner to which it has become accustomed.

Such instant classics to gain the seal of approval from the Downing Street Collective Lobotomy Trust include:

'The Prime Minister isn't a complete clown. He didn't party every night. And he definitely didn't break all of his own lockdown rules. Indeed, not every party he illegally attended is being investigated by the Met.

'During the period of the pandemic, Boris Johnson didn't put absolutely everyone in harm's way. Repeatedly. Quite a few people in care homes actually survived.

'Despite what some are saying, Boris hasn't mislead the House of Commons on every single occasion. He only illegally prorogued Parliament a bit. And he almost actually got some of Brexit done.

'He is not the sort of person to create the perfect conditions allowing his closest chums, donors and enemies of the state to cream billions out of the taxpayer purse. And anyone who points out that serious fraud has been rampant on his watch, very much needs to take a good look at a thesaurus of synonyms for rampant.'

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Boris wins Oscar nomination for best song & dance routine in Westminster Side Story

Popular Prime Minister, Captain Showbiz himself, Boris Johnson, is up for a well-deserved award at this year's glitzy but utterly meaningless ceremony.

Westminster Side Story is a glorious musical psychodrama about a dysfunctional government that thinks all its problems can be sorted out by drinking itself to death.

'It's possibly his finest role so far, said cinema critic Matt French. 'We've seen Boris as a tram driver, a JCB driver, and a man who will draw bananas with children. He's an incredibly versatile actor, as his performance at PMQ's has proved, and he's barely put a foot wrong since his starring role in 'Lying Actually.'

'I don't think anyone would deny him the accolades his performance so richly deserves. Its a resounding testament to the power of bullshit.'

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BBC Bitesize for Schools: Who Runs Our Country into the Ground?

Britain is a monarchy and in the olden days, kings and queens ran Britain into the ground. Nowadays, the monarch gives this job to a court jester sort of person called the prime minister. Running a country well and truly into the ground may seem like tough work, but our PM has been doing it with ease!

Every day, he throws parties to make sure his assistants are always drunk when they make their decisions, and he distracts attention from all the scandals he has created by throwing “red meat” to his Conservative base. People in Britain love days when the prime minister throws them red meat because they sure as hell can't afford to buy it in the shops any longer. Ask your parents about this, when they've finished having a fit about the energy bill.

As if this all of this isn’t enough work for one day, the prime minister also finds time to incite vicious mobs to attack his chief political enemy, the Leader of the Opposition! He does this by repeating baseless rumours gleaned from social media sites used by hard-right political groups, but because he said them in the Commons he cannot be sued for libel. Isn't that clever of him?

This system of government is called “demagoguery”, and it's something Britain leads the world in. You can ask your mummy and daddy to tell you more about politics in Britain. But if they have been reading this along with you then they are probably too busy weeping, right now. Give them a moment to compose themselves.

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