All MPs to be serial killers by 2030

Government ethics advisers have called for new, tougher targets for parliamentary behaviour.

‘Lying, cheating, awarding billion pound contracts to friends – they’re a good start’, explained a spokesman, ‘but we can do better’.

MPs must have had multiple extra-marital affairs by 2025 and have drowned a kitten (or puppy) in a canal by 2027. The serial killing rules won’t apply until 2030 to give MPs time to undertake training in Forensic Awareness, Body Disposal and Creative Use of Poisons.

‘We’re organising expensive in-service training for all 650 MPs’, said the spokesman. ‘It’s quite a step up from shagging your secretary to drowning a kitten, and then to killing three random strangers, but the current Cabinet is extraordinarily talented. We wouldn’t be surprised if a certain former minister had already jumped the gun – that’s a serial killer’s smirk if ever I saw one’.

Image: Enrique Guzmán Egas (@kike_borland) | Unsplash Photo Community

Tory MPs playing to their strengths

Which Wizard of Oz character are you?

Priti wants to be the Wicked Witch of the West. “I like her alliterative name and also her lust for revenge. If anything, they’ve made her too nice”.

Liz thinks she’d be great as Dorothy, though her friends all call her Scarecrow behind her back as she hasn’t yet located her brain.

Several of Priti and Liz’s friends identify with the Tin Man. Indeed, they venerate him for his ability to survive without a heart, like Suella does.

Boris thinks he should be the Wizard, though most of his friends have suggested the Cowardly Lion. Was there a fridge in the film?

And finally – who would play Toto, the loyal dog? If the dog had a drink problem, maybe Nadine?

Image: Comstock Photos | FreeImages