Fall in Covid-Cases Sees Welcome Return of Buy-a-Book-to-Match-Whatever-Fancy-Dress-Still-Fits-Day

As school life returns to normal, the event, which is particularly popular amongst parents, is set for a welcome return. Teachers are encouraging children to peruse bookshops and car boot sales to find any book that has even the most tenuous link to whatever fancy dress they happen to have.

‘There has been a sad decline in children dressing up over the last few years,’ explains Mrs. Butler, a primary school teacher from Tenby. ‘By making a link with something the children see every day, such as a book, we are hoping to attract them back to fancy dress and to build healthy habits for later life.’

Event organisers are encouraging children to think outside the dressing-up box and not just look at traditional and popular fiction books.

‘They don’t just need to go for the tried and tested Harry Potter', said another teacher. 'We are trying to show them how non-fiction books can transform their dressing-up world: get a book on cats and hey presto all you need are some face paints and cardboard ears. If they find a book on sport, they can just wear their PE kit. We had one particularly sage child last year who found a book on the Art of Invisibility... oh.’

Research shows that the event works. Those exposed to the first BABMWFSF Days are now fully-fledged adults. ‘We are seeing far higher incidents of Cosplay participation amongst young adults, who can read, than ever before in history,’ explained a passing geography teacher.

With this year's event taking place today, parents around the country are emerging from 12 hours of blind panic, frantic shopping and questionable sewing skills, after discovering a letter in the bottom of schoolbags yesterday evening informing them of the happy event at their child's school.

Image: Pixabay/AnnieSpratt

Schools get opportunity to help with new covid variants

In a surprise move announced this evening by the Education Secretary, next year's GCSE Graphics Design exam will be asking students to design new graphics to represent either the upsilon or phi covid variants, as it's anticipated that by the time they arrive in the UK, there will be a ban on giving the job to Tory doners for a million quid a pic; and in any case, those in the know think kids could do a better job anyway.

Coursework will need to be accompanied by a signed document conferring all copyright of the graphic to the state, or the coursework will deemed ineligible for submission as exam material.

A spokesbeing for the Dept of Education said “This move surprised as too, as we're not used to planning for the future. We're still trying to get round to reading the personally-signed copy of the King James Bible that Michael Gove was kind enough to donate to schools, but every time we see his signature, we swoon and become so transfixed on it, we forget to turn the page.”

Eddie Downwivdakidz, a graphics teacher from Wakefield said “It's a brilliant idea. I've been doodling stuff like this all the time we were in lockdown, while the IT dept were trying to get kids connected to the network, so by the time senior managers come round shitting themselves over our ability to keep up in the league tables, I'll just show them my doodles and wait for them to have me on News at Ten, saying levelling up isn't as difficult as they make out. We've got graphitti in our bogs that can match anything the BBC graphic designers can knock out.”

image from pixabay

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Parents threaten to go on strike unless school uniforms are nationalised

Just a week into the new term, parents are threatening to go on strike unless school uniforms are nationalised.

The ultimatum follows the leak of a report that showed the amount spent on uniforms this year exceeded NASA’s annual budget.

The proposed strike would affect essential services provided by mums and dads such as creating a World Book Day costume with 30 minutes notice, explaining why algebra will be useful in later life and liaising with the Tooth Fairy.

“If we don’t put school uniforms into public ownership, they’ll soon cost more than replica football kits. And I don’t mean Arsenal or Newcastle kits; I’m talking about kits for big teams” explained Bob Vine, a spokesman for the Coalition of Really Annoyed Parents (CRAP).

“It’s not just the cost, it’s the quality too. My son’s jumper already looks like a string-vest and his jacket is apparently water soluble.”

Parents are also demanding a public inquiry into allegations that school dinners are being seasoned with growth hormones after it emerged that thousands of children have already outgrown their new blazers, trousers and shoes.

Mr Vine is sceptical about the government’s plan to mitigate the effects of any strike by using army personnel.

“Just because you can diffuse a bomb in Iraq while under enemy fire doesn’t mean you’ve got the nerves of steel required to take a hyperactive five year-old to a birthday party at a soft-play.”

Image: Unsplash/Robin Worrall