How I survived my miserable comprehensive school education, by Liz Truss

My education at one of the worst comprehensive schools the world has ever seen is well-known, but how did I survive to become the credible prime-ministerial candidate that you see before you today? Here I share with you my own personal strategies for flourishing in a school located within the mean streets of Roundhay in the 1980s.

1. Stay off the streets! Walking home from school in Roundhay in the 1980s was akin to the Bronx - hazards and dangers everywhere. Wet leaves in the park in Autumn provided a constant slipping hazard, and you couldn't walk more than 200 yards without being approached by a liberal peddling a petition about nuclear disarmament or selling some home made jam with proceeds going to Ethiopia. Keep your head down and as those kids from Grange Hill would sing: 'Just Say No'!

2. Make the limited option choices work for you - I have to admit that the absence of a Latin course to pick for O-Level ruined my 1985, but 'Que Sera Sera'. Just three modern languages to choose from doesn't necessarily have to be a death knell for your aspirations to go to Oxbridge. Remember, you can always use your private tutor to pick up Mandarin and the classics on the side.

3. Know how to pronounce tricky middle-class words! I was the subject of much ridicule when I foolishly asked for a bowl of 'Quin-noah' with my goats cheese salad in the canteen during my first week at school. I was picking out the starchy seed from my schoolbag for weeks afterwards. Kids can be so cruel.

4. Throw yourself into extra-curricular activities. Whilst the limited opportunities available to me at my own school were frustrating, I still got involved in the crumbs that were on offer - an immersive production of Ibsen's The Doll's House in year 9, a School Symphony Orchestra trip round the lakes of Switzerland in 6th Form (remember how the school had to book an extra plane seat for my harp!). There was always the Real Tennis court and dilapidated lacrosse pitches we could use too when we were really desperate.

5. Go early to avoid school drop off embarrassments - Our Mercedes Benz 560 Sedan was the source of much mockery at the school gates. 'Have you seen how slow the acceleration is with the 8-cylinder single-overhead camshaft naturally aspirated engine on that hunk of junk ', I heard one pupil laugh. We turned up at 730am every day after that until we thankfully upgraded to a Porsche in 1988. Phew!

Hat-tips Sir Lupus and Lockjaw

Image: Pixabay/dep377

Fall in Covid-Cases Sees Welcome Return of Buy-a-Book-to-Match-Whatever-Fancy-Dress-Still-Fits-Day

As school life returns to normal, the event, which is particularly popular amongst parents, is set for a welcome return. Teachers are encouraging children to peruse bookshops and car boot sales to find any book that has even the most tenuous link to whatever fancy dress they happen to have.

‘There has been a sad decline in children dressing up over the last few years,’ explains Mrs. Butler, a primary school teacher from Tenby. ‘By making a link with something the children see every day, such as a book, we are hoping to attract them back to fancy dress and to build healthy habits for later life.’

Event organisers are encouraging children to think outside the dressing-up box and not just look at traditional and popular fiction books.

‘They don’t just need to go for the tried and tested Harry Potter', said another teacher. 'We are trying to show them how non-fiction books can transform their dressing-up world: get a book on cats and hey presto all you need are some face paints and cardboard ears. If they find a book on sport, they can just wear their PE kit. We had one particularly sage child last year who found a book on the Art of Invisibility... oh.’

Research shows that the event works. Those exposed to the first BABMWFSF Days are now fully-fledged adults. ‘We are seeing far higher incidents of Cosplay participation amongst young adults, who can read, than ever before in history,’ explained a passing geography teacher.

With this year's event taking place today, parents around the country are emerging from 12 hours of blind panic, frantic shopping and questionable sewing skills, after discovering a letter in the bottom of schoolbags yesterday evening informing them of the happy event at their child's school.

Image: Pixabay/AnnieSpratt

Schools get opportunity to help with new covid variants

In a surprise move announced this evening by the Education Secretary, next year's GCSE Graphics Design exam will be asking students to design new graphics to represent either the upsilon or phi covid variants, as it's anticipated that by the time they arrive in the UK, there will be a ban on giving the job to Tory doners for a million quid a pic; and in any case, those in the know think kids could do a better job anyway.

Coursework will need to be accompanied by a signed document conferring all copyright of the graphic to the state, or the coursework will deemed ineligible for submission as exam material.

A spokesbeing for the Dept of Education said “This move surprised as too, as we're not used to planning for the future. We're still trying to get round to reading the personally-signed copy of the King James Bible that Michael Gove was kind enough to donate to schools, but every time we see his signature, we swoon and become so transfixed on it, we forget to turn the page.”

Eddie Downwivdakidz, a graphics teacher from Wakefield said “It's a brilliant idea. I've been doodling stuff like this all the time we were in lockdown, while the IT dept were trying to get kids connected to the network, so by the time senior managers come round shitting themselves over our ability to keep up in the league tables, I'll just show them my doodles and wait for them to have me on News at Ten, saying levelling up isn't as difficult as they make out. We've got graphitti in our bogs that can match anything the BBC graphic designers can knock out.”

image from pixabay

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