Pig receives genetically modified heart from former Tory MP

A pig from Berkshire has become the first animal to receive the heart from a genetically modified human being.

Jason, a Tamworth Sandy Back from Reading thanked the family of the donor - believed to be a former Conservative MP - for extending his life.

Doctor’s say the Tory MP’s heart was a perfect match for the pig and the operation was a complete success.

‘The pig was extremely lucky that it was a former Tory MP that died overnight….the heart of a compassionate human being would never have been a match…they carry the wrong sort of genes and the pig’s immune system would have simply rejected it’.

The pig was said to be recovering well from his ordeal.

‘When I heard the heart had belonged to a former Conservative MP I just couldn’t believe my luck’ said the Tamworth Sandy Back. ‘Apparently he was caught up in the expenses row from a few years ago, he voted to stop nurses receiving a pay rise, he was caught out flipping his second home in London, he voted for Brexit then immediately transferred his business interests overseas and he is known to have several offshore bank account'.

' He has undoubtedly had his nose in far more troughs than I ever have', continued the pig. 'The MPs heart has given me a knew lease of life.'

Now f*@k off out of my way….I’ve had inside information that it’s feeding time down on the farm and if I get in early I can make a quick killing out of the other stupid pigs. It’s amazing….it is something I had never even thought of doing before but now it seems such an obvious thing to do’.

Image: Pixabay/165106

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Govt: 'Clifftop rambles in force ten banned but tightrope walks on pylons still perfectly fine'

A spokesman for the government today announced new and immediate emergency legislation forbidding members of the public from walking along the very edge of all cliffs in a force ten gale. However, he did confirm it is still perfectly fine to perform a tightrope walk between two electricity pylons carrying a charge of up 400,000 volts while using a 12 foot aluminum balancing pole .

'It's very important people are aware of the dangers of walking along clifftops in high winds. They must understand that doing so is not advised under any circumstances and has now been outlawed,' said the spokesman, adding 'we must all play our part to protect everyone and minimise a possible tsunami of smashed-up people overrunning an NHS that is already at breaking point. That's the sort British spunk and sacrifice that saw us defeat Hitler after all.'

When one libertarian correspondent suggested the government was implementing a nanny state by stealth, the spokesman denied this, pointing out there were no plans currently to ban those wishing to indulge in, 'Festive high jinks and pranks at Christmas parties, for example. Parties still allowed despite a clamour of calls to the contrary.

'Boys will be boys, and of course as far as the PM is concerned, jolly larking around, as long as it's responsibly, with high voltages is fine. Nevertheless, we shall keep a close eye on the science here, although after the draconian measures of last year Boris feels the nation has earned the right to be cut just a little slack.'

image from pixabay

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UK to turn Covid into petrol

British scientists say they have unlocked the means of solving our fuel shortage, while at the same time getting Boris Johnson ‘out of the $hit’. Intensive care wards will soon look like petrol forecourts, with queues of BMW drivers fighting to siphon mucus from your nan.

Covid particles will gathered in the sweaty undergarments of the infected and then carefully poured into jerry cans. Then through an elaborate process of osmosis, pollination and lucky heather, the Covid ‘drippings’ will magically transform into diesel.

Petrol pricing will no longer be expressed in pounds, but by the number of sick school children to the mile. Explained one boffin: ‘It’s not so outlandish, the Department of Works & Pensions have been getting blood from a stone for years’.

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