Cyber Monday downgraded to Analogue Wednesday

In an unprecedented move, rating agency Moody’s has downgraded the UK’s Black Friday and Cyber Monday due to a combination of rising inflation, heightened unpredictability and an acute shortage of anyone who knows what the fuck they’re doing.

Cyber Monday will now be replaced by Analogue Wednesday on 14th February 2023. Valentine’s Day will be brought forward a month and will now share 14th January 2023 with STI Awareness Day.

It’s thought that Moody’s was forced to take action after discovering that Chancellor Jeremy Hunt used a cheque post-dated for “33rd Novembruary 2052” to make a payment toward the country’s national debt.

The Government, predictably, has played down the effect that losing Black Friday could have on the country’s embattled finances.

'Black Friday is just a marketing gimmick, like affordable energy bills or a functioning NHS' said Treasury spokesman Simon Jones.

'If people are concerned that Moody’s actions mean the end of the traditional Black Friday riots, they needn’t worry. Thanks to the Government’s expert mishandling of the economy, we’re going to have more civil unrest than you can shake a stick at. A big, pointy stick that’s been wrapped in barbed wire and has nails sticking out of it.'

Despite his bullish remarks, Mr Jones refused to comment on speculation that next year’s Black Friday could be demoted to Brown Tuesday or, even worse, Musk Sunday.

Author: Humpenscrumpjnr

Image: Newsbiscuit

First published 28 Nov 2022

www.newsbiscuit.com

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Supermarket gets 'down and dirty' to lure in value conscious customers

One of the country’s large supermarket chains is making new efforts to lure in shoppers looking for bargains.

‘We know that life is tough,’ said a spokeman. ‘Our bills are going up all the time and its probably the same for our customers.

‘We are adjusting our retail proposition to reflect how tough things are. Shoppers need bargains.  There’s no loyalty any more.  Cheapest sausage wins.

‘Our re-modelled stores will strongly signal our value-led proposition. The stores will be cold, so wear a thick coat. Or buy one on the way round. The lights will be dim, so you can’t read the small print on your ultra-processed ready meals.  Tinned goods will have foreign labels, which makes them look cheap straight away.  Our fruit and veg will have a homely, no-nonsense, kicked-about-a-bit vibe.

‘As shoppers can’t afford real food, we will have pallets of cheap stuff – strange rubbery sweets, off brand chocolates, Bulgarian lager and unusually flavoured potato-based snack substitutes. We will show that the stuff is cheap by selling it straight from the cardboard boxes. We can’t afford to pay staff to put stuff on shelves any more.

‘We don’t want to embarrass our customers about things they can’t afford, so we will be removing 'aspirational' products. That’s basically anything that Waitrose sells.

‘We are going back to basics - booze, pastry, stodge and fat. We are targeting shoppers with a BMI over 30, or a family BMI over 120.   These people eat more stuff and they buy more stuff, so it makes commercial sense.  Skinny dieters can buy our overpriced slimming meals if they want, but they aren’t a key demographic for us any more.

‘We will also be reducing in store cleaning, to make the shops a bit dirtier, so it looks like we are making savings too.   Puddles of stuff in the aisles will make shopping a bit more of an adventure.  We will also be hiring more unkempt and slightly threatening staff - so customers know we don't waste money on them.  We will be retain the customer support desks, but we won’t be staffing them.

‘Finally, I’d like to talk about pricing.   Some people have suggested that a ‘value’ offer should include lower prices.  Given that the government has massively increased our wage bill and property costs, I must make it clear that the one thing we won't be doing is cutting prices.  We will, in fact, be raising prices, with the aim of fuelling inflation and teaching the government a solid lesson in basic economics.’

image from pixabay

Man wins damages from shopping centre

Colin Fuddy, 54, from Tring, has won £90k damages from the Shady Trees Designer Outlet, an out-of-town retail shopping experience.  The case is a landmark in British legal history, and looks likely to change the face of shopping centres across the country.

The judge awarded damages after Colin proved that the Outlet had a damaging effect on men. Colin cited evidence from academic research showing that a man’s life is shortened by 7 minutes and 4 seconds for every hour spent in a shopping centre. 

Why is this 'retail experience' boring?   It is because the vast majority of the shops in the Outlet sell women's dresses, frocks, shoes, sandals, high heels, perfume, jewellery, dresses, diet pills, health food and dresses, and frocks. The only men's clothing is targeted at the under-25s and those who aspire to be under 25 again. Replica football shirts in sizes 2XL and above are never in stock.

The newsagent at Shady Trees closed years ago, so that bored men can no longer buy madly overpriced felt tip pens, or read magazines without having to buy them.  The gadget shops have closed and moved online.  The food outlets only serve girlie coffees and cakes, and tea is only available in tiny cups.  A man size helping of tea therefore requires the purchase of four tiny drinks at a total cost of £15.80. And the only place you can drink your take-away tea is next to the haven of calm and relaxation that is the toddlers ball pit.

Even the toilets are stressful. The male toilets only have two urinals, so you often have to stand right next to someone else and do relaxation exercises before you can let go.

So there is nothing for men to do while their wives and daughters shop. Women can effortlessly spend all day in the mall, living their best lives and having a great time.  For the accompanying men, there is no telling how long the shopping trip will last, and there is always the risk of an all-nighter, after a shopping centre lock-in.   Any men foolish enough to get involved in a trip to Shady Trees can, at best, look forward to paying for an expensive lunch, in a chain restaurant like Frankie and Jerry's, or the No.1 Authentic Bondi Beach Pizza Company.

Colin says that shopping centres must, in future, have regard to men's mental health and well-being and must make reasonable adjustments for men, in order to avoid further legal claims.  

Colin plans to spend his damages on his N-gauge model railway, and football memorabilia.

Picture credit: Wix AI