Sue Gray report to focus on occasions where there were no parties at Number 10

Sue Gray has announced that her report is into lockdown parties at 10 Downing Street is going to be considerably shorter than expected, as she has decided just to report the times where there was no piss ups.

'Looks it is going to be a lot easier doing it this way, isn't it?' said Gray . 'We can focus on the exceptions rather than the general rule. The times when the PM was seemingly sat at his desk, getting on with the job in hand and sticking to lockdown laws. It'll save me loads of time, and the taxpayer millions in paper costs'.

The single page report, scheduled to be published later this week is thought to be titled '18th November, 11am- 12 noon', although Gray admitted that this may still change, if new evidence comes to light.

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Sue Gray concludes: It's not a party without a conga line

The investigation proved that it was impossible to have a party without streamers and at least one girl crying on a staircase, mumbling something about all men are bastards. 'The gatherings that the PM and Keir Starmer attended were in no way parties. Mainly because no self respecting party would invite those two.

'For it to be considered a halfway decent party, there needs to be jelly and tequila shots. No one sung 'My Way'. And not one person chundered in the Downing Street shrubbery.

'The only feature that this has in common with a normal party, is that no one can remember any of the details'.

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Exclusive - Sue Gray forced to complete her report in Coventry monastery cloister

Friends of Sue Gray have told Newsbiscuit that for the past five months, senior civil servant Sue Gray has been holed up in a nondescript cloister in the ruins of St Mary's Priory in Coventry.

Stoic Sue Gray is said to have stood up quite well to being sent to Coventry to do her work and a significant part of the report is believed to include findings that were missed by Time Team experts when they conducted a dig at the site in 1999 that revealed the ruins.

Whilst she not known as a historian or archaeologist, it is believed that Sue Gray's extensive knowledge of how modern government works has enabled her to have a greater insight into the medieval period than most archaeologists will have had.

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