Long, cold, silent, breezy fart on toilet this morning still a mystery

Science still has no explanation for what happened on the toilet earlier. A breezy fart wafted out, but it is an unfathomable mystery as to why it was surprisingly cold. Anything emanating from the body is supposed to be warm, unless recent consumption of curry has taken place, in which case hot could be a descriptor. And also ringystingy.

But cold? Never cold. Surely? There is strong evidence to suggest one is not dead inside. And all other farts in other circumstances have been in the warm to upper warm range historically. Today is reasonably mild, so it can't be that. One thing is for certain, not a soul is to learn of this because, well, that could be highly embarrassing.

Image: Pixabay/jarmoluk

The Real Man’s Top 10 tips for using the bathroom

Do you want to show the woman in your life what a fantastic specimen of manhood you are? It’s not just about how you behave in the bedroom! Show the lady how lucky she is to be shacked up with you by following this guide to using the bathroom:

1. When cleaning your teeth, admire your reflection as you flick toothpaste all over the bathroom mirror.

2. When shaving, always leave the sink covered in stubble, like some poor imitation of the Shroud of Turin.

3. When showering, leave the shower curtain open, so the bathroom floor gets covered by 2 inches of water.

4. Ensure the plug hole is left blocked with arse hair.

5. When using the toilet, leave the door open. Women find the sound of a man grunting one out or pissing like a racehorse a big turn on.

6. Animals in the wild mark their territory with urine - do the same in your bathroom by spraying piss all around the rim of the toilet, and the surrounding floor. Don’t flush when you’ve finished, and leave the seat up.

7. Alternatively, don’t bother lifting the seat in the first place - just piss all over it, and sprinkle with pubes.

8. When taking a dump, a real man leaves skid marks all down the back of the toilet bowl. Only a wimp would think of using a toilet brush afterwards, other than as an implement to break up a mega-turd that won’t flush. Oh, and It’s a sign of masculinity to leave the bathroom as stinky as possible, so don’t open a window when you’ve finished.

9. Never replace an empty toilet roll - you are a man and have more important things to do, like belching the theme tune to Match of the Day, or setting light to your farts.

10. Communication is vital in a relationship, so don’t forget to describe your bowel movements to her afterwards. She’ll really appreciate you telling her last night’s curry has given you ring sting.

Image:Pixabay/Sammy-Sander

Toilet voted 'Best place to hide from your children 2021'

For the second year in a row, 'The Toilet' has topped the list as the most popular location to conceal yourself from your children.

For many, it is 'the only room in the sodding house with a lock on the door', which makes it a 'no-brainer' when picking the perfect spot to secrete oneself from the most irritating individuals in one's life.

Nick, a father of two, is a regular toilet-hider: 'I spend at least five or six hours in there on the weekend. It's so much better than interacting with my family or doing housework. My wife thinks I have a particularly aggressive form of chronic diarrhoea, which coincidentally began shortly after the birth of our first child. I play loud, unpleasant toilet noises from my phone to ensure my cover isn't blown - the added bonus is that it also drowns out the sound of the kids banging on the door. I have crisps and beer hidden under the toilet rolls and watch BT sport with headphones on. I absolutely love it.

Runners up include 'the shed' (kids never look there), 'the utility room' (you can usually hide under a pile of dirty washing) and 'down the pub' (brilliant but gets expensive).

image from pixabay

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