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Britain's next Prime Minister to be decided by Christmas raffle


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As Rishi Sunak approaches the mid-way point of his 44 days allocated as British Prime Minister, the members of the conservative party's 1922 Committee have begun preparations for selecting his successor. Each person who would like to be considered for the top job will be given an ice cream tub filled with raffle tickets to sell.


Whomever sells the winning ticket will become the next Prime Minister, with the person who sells the most tickets being guaranteed the role of Deputy Prime Minister, should they fail the win the first prize.


In an unusually charitable act, all funds raised by the sale of raffle tickets will be kindly donated to the Labour party, via their Kickstarter campaign to pay for their leader, Kier Starmer's personality transplant.


When asked for comment, justice secretary Dominic Raab replied 'How many shall I put you down for?


Most of remaining government time to be spent apologising


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The government has set out a timetable for it's business leading up to a general election in 2024 and and the vast majority of the days are allocated to apologies.


A newly set-up Department of Contrition has published several white papers, which it hopes will cover most of the major calamities visited on the country in the last 12 years.


"Grenfell is the start.", said a grim faced spokesman. "We've managed to find a few spare days when Mr Johnson isn't on holiday to make a start on what we expect to be long process of regret. Liz Truss is believed to have cleared her diary for the next 18 months."



Gavin Williamson's resignation letter in full


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Dear Fag


Please accept my hearty congratulations on finding a bigger bully than I am to convince me to resign from my position in the government. I will, of course, step down, being the bigger and better man.


Just two queries:


  1. Can you ask the bugger for my trousers back, please?

  2. Can I claim the operation to remove the pencil sharpener from my anus on expenses?

It certainly has been a jolly wheeze watching you run about polishing my shoes and doing my homework etc., but now I feel it is time for me to give someone else the benefit of my significant skills. Black Arts Master at Gordonstoun, perhaps? TTFN Gavin "I'm Even More Of A Celebrity" Williamson


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