Common house fly now most advanced thinker in House of Commons

A fly which appears to prefer the Conservative side of the House of Commons is being considered as the next Prime Minister. A Tory backbencher without an embarrassing hairdo explained, 'Jacob Rees-Mogg suggested we hit it with a binned COP27 schedule of events, but it evaded all of our attempts to bring it down.

'Once it proved itself as smarter than anybody on the back benches, it was given free range of the front bench. It handled itself very well and did not cave within two minutes of PMQs. It doesn't have a shameful voting record and it's more popular than anyone we've had in post for quite a while now.

'We're confident it won't trot out a series of laughable and damaging policies and we think it's just the sort to unite the party. It has been made Minister for Ambush Cake, and we are already impressed with its conduct. It even got a few laughs on a recent episode of Mock the Week, before we had the BBC shut the programme down.

'The Daily Mail are saying it has a more credible stance on immigrants than Suella Braverman and that they are backing it, which is good enough for our decision making at the highest level. So we've changed the 1922 committee rules again, put it through on the nod, and fast-tracked it to a Lordship. Whatever the outcome, at least it has more control than Matt Hancock's flies.'

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Tories studying Dallas ‘Dream Season’

“It’s our only hope” wailed a spokesman. “It worked for ‘Dallas’ after Bobby Ewing died, and the show’s ratings nosedived. We just tell everybody that Boris standing down was something which happened in a dream, and today’s date is really 6th July. We can explain the dark, cold days by, err, global darkening. That’s it! Global darkening is making July look just like October.”

Some Conservatives are sceptical of the ‘Dream Season’ plan, pointing out that many citizens have access to the internet and might know the actual date, although a focus group responded surprisingly well, as the following comments demonstrate:

“So, we have to choose between Liz Truss being PM or the idea that the last 3 months have been somebody’s dream? Isn’t she the ‘pork markets’ woman? Seems a no-brainer to me. Where do I sign?”

“Do I get to have my birthday again?”

“Look, I’m willing to believe in the Tooth Fairy if that woman goes”.

Some Tories have complained that the plan isn’t ambitious enough. “If we’re going to muck about with false memories and time travel, why don't we go back to just before the darkies arrived and everybody knew their place?” one on the progressive wing asked us. “Ah, Britain was perfect then”.

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Skyline Dallas - Free photo on Pixabay

Kwarteng to save the economy by playing Haaland

Rapidly running out of ideas, the Chancellor has decided to adopt the tactics of every lazy fantasy football manager. 'Haaland is going to net me 30 goals a season, which is a net gain - literally. By harnessing his electric pace, we can also solve the energy crisis at the same time.'

An aide explained: 'Rather than give the super rich tax breaks, all millionaires will be entitled to a twenty minute piggy back, on Erling's strong Nordic shoulders. Struggling to pay your bills? Just say the word and Erlin will thump your mortgage advisor.'

The Chancellor assured people that 80% of the economy could be powered by Haaland merchandise and the other 20% by the kinetic energy of Man Utd fans running for cover. Whatever the problem, Haaland is the solution (unless, of course, you are Harry Maguire).