BBC will outsource future drama projects to Acton am-dram group

In the wake of another attack by Prime Minister Boris Johnson (you're not dreaming, he still is), the BBC announced a move that will no longer see them paying top stars large salaries.

The corporation is to close its world-famous drama studio later this year, and instead all future programmes will be produced and staged by amateur dramatic society, St Michael’s Strolling Players from Acton.

The first programme slated under the new arrangement will an adaptation of the James Joyce classic, Ulysses, with bus driver Alan Chivers cast in the role of Leopold Bloom. The production is to be broadcast live from Acton Drill Hall to save on costly studio sets and recording facilities.

Daphne Miller, a doctor’s receptionist and the group’s creative director said: ‘Alan’s really not bad at all once he's had a few brandies to settle his nerves. His Sky Masterson, when we did Guys and Dolls last Summer, was two-starred by the The Acton Bugle's arts critic.

'Yes, he can be a little shaky remembering lines, but if we write them on bits of the set I'm sure it’ll be alright on the night.’

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/mauriciokell-149623/

Tories to fully fund Tory Conversion Therapy

Having abandoned abandoning conversion therapy in the UK, the government aims to convert conversion therapy into Tory conversion therapy. The magic money tree will be shaken hard enough to allow the programme to roll out immediately and nationwide, especially in marginal constituencies.

Tory strategist Clementine Carruthers said: ‘When you are responsible for as much sleaze, unnecessary suffering and death as we are, how else do you ensure a Conservative landslide at a general election? Apart from a totally compliant media and the Keir Starmer charisma vacuum of course. We like to think it as remoulding people – remoulding them into regressive, bigoted Tories – a sentient version of the Daily Telegraph comments section.’

Amy Armstrong accidentally attended an early version of such a course and afterwards looked glassy-eyed as she intoned ‘I used to think it was sad that refugees – aka people – died trying to make a better life for themselves in Britain. Now I’m happy to see those Britain-haters drown. There is no cost of living crisis. Defund the BBC. Sell the NHS. Spitfires. Imperial weights and measures. Britannia ruling the waves. Working people must pay for MPs wallpaper. And their holidays.’

Carruthers commented ‘Give someone a Tory promise and they’ll vote Tory once. Indoctrinate the whole population in Tory lies and Boris will be Prime Minister until you or civilisation as a whole, crumbles into dust.’

Image: JacksonDavid | Pixabay

Ransomware infects Tory party.

The Tory Party has revealed that a particularly malignant form of ransomware has been discovered within the organisation. Currently the official party line is “no comment”. However a source within Number 10 has admitted that the infection has brought all activities to a halt.

“We have brought in experts to help us remove the ransomware and get back to (what passes as) normal. We are advised that we have a particularly nasty and infectious version known as the Boris variant. Unfortunately we are at an early stage of recovery and it is unclear what the hackers are actually asking for and how the virus can be removed.

We have tried using recommended cleaning methods such as the Jimmy Savile Slur recovery tool but these only seem to have made things worse.

Until we can resolve this issue then the usual government activities will remain at a standstill. No lockdown parties, no issuing untendered contracts to chums and / or con artists, and even worse no funding from friendly Russian oligarchs.

The worst-case scenario will be to delete everything and start all over again – also known as the Gove option.

All members of the Cabinet are united in their support for the Prime Minister. It is purely coincidental that they have formed an amateur dramatic society and are currently rehearsing Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar”.

Image: TheDigitalArtist | Pixabay